...small...

I feel small right now. Small before an awesome God who knows just how to reach through all the distractions in my life to my very core. He tears away the layers that I've become comfortable with. He exposes me... who I really am. To even compare my feeble existence to God's greatness is an insult to the Father.

Why does it take for us to come to this place of self-denial for God to be glorified? Oh, how we have abused His love! I speak for myself. I am so ashamed that I've allowed pride to fester and grow within my spirit.

Sometimes I think that God could never possibly forgive this rebellion. He has every right to drop me right where I am and leave me to my misery. But that's not God, is it? That's not Love, that's not Mercy, that's not Grace!!!

As I'm typing this, I am listening to a song that is speaking to my heart.

East to West by Casting Crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness  The chains of yesterday surround me I yearn for peace and rest I don't want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west 'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest 'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me You're holding on to me Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest 'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other One scarred hand to the other From one scarred hand to the other

Lord, you will never cease to contradict me, let alone amaze me.