it’s not me

I’m feeling the need to blog today…

Here I am, still with child, still getting 8 hours of sleep each night.  Baby is five whole days overdue.  I’m getting really impatient, and I’m kind of loathe to admit that fact.  I wish I was perfectly content, resting in God’s provision, not worrying one bit about my unborn child.

But I’m not.

Why is it that I find it so easy to drive myself crazy?  God has promised that He will bring perfect peace if I simply present all my anxieties to Him (Phil 4:4-7).  That is, quite possibly, the most amazing and flabbergasting promise in a world that is the antithesis of peace.  Yet why do I gravitate towards needless anxiety? James would call me “double-minded” (Jas 1:5-8).  I can’t decide whether or not I truly believe that God is good—at least, that’s what my doubt says. 

Hmmm… could it be that my own flesh opposes any mention of God’s goodness? 

Your flesh hates God all the more because He IS good.

Could it be that I am, by nature, completely and entirely rebellious towards my loving Creator?

Instead of worshipping the Creator, you worship the created.

Could it be that every thought of mine is only evil continually?

There has never been a thought in your head that was not tainted by sin.

It’s true.  All of it. I am the worst of sinners.  I have disobeyed every command that the LORD God Almighty has given.  I have mocked Christ on the cross.  I possess in myself no good thing, no capability to love as Christ loved, and absolutely no accomplishments worthy of praise. 

And yet I will bow before my Father in Heaven, worshipping Him for eternity.

What? How can that be possible?  How can a feeble sinner like you ever even entertain the idea of “making it to” heaven?  You don’t even have any good deeds to brag about.  None.  What makes you think that God will EVER accept you?

Because I go on the merit of another.

Jesus Christ, the Lamb without blemish, shed His pure, perfect, undefiled blood for my sins. God looks at me, and instead of seeing the stinking, rotting, stained sinner that I am, He sees the blood of His Son.  His SON.  He drank the cup of God’s wrath on the cross.  He declared that IT IS FINISHED. 

I am not worthy.

Dear, dear LORD, give me the grace to trust in You.  Give me the grace to come before you in prayer and present all my anxieties to you.  Give me the grace to live life by the Spirit, and not by the flesh (Rom 8).  Take my anxieties and replace them with peace from You.

Amen.