baby nutmeg

This was me, roughly two weeks ago.  It must be stated that this was during Christmas holidays - and we all know what that means.  So, it's pretty fair to assume that baby bump is quite possibly affected by Christmas goodies.  But I admit to nothing.

Yes, I am definitely starting to grasp this whole pregnancy thing - again.  I've found it more difficult to come to terms with it this time around, mostly because I have a 10 month old who always keeps me on my toes.  I have much less time for the copious amount of naps I took when I was pregnant with Judah.  I get what I can, but I'm not hurting for it.  

I'm not entirely sure I really believed that I was pregnant until yesterday when I heard the little heartbeat through the Doppler.  If there is one word I can label this pregnancy with, it would be fear.  I have been unnecessarily afraid that I have miscarried and am carrying a dead child, or that I will miscarry in the very near future.  There haven't been strong signs of either of these things, but nevertheless, I fear it.  It has been a struggle to continuously put my faith in God.  Do I doubt God's goodness?  His provision?  His sovereignty?  My head tells me NO.  But I have the suspicion that my actions are belying what I've said I believe.  All I wanted to quell my fears was to hear that heartbeat.  

At my 10 week appointment the midwife could not find it.  She told me that finding it at that early of a gestation was kind of like a 50/50 chance.  I wasn't too broken up about it, but disappointed that I couldn't have that security.  We booked another appointment for 12 weeks, 6 days.  She assured me that finding it would be pretty much a given at that point.  And so, I waited.

Until yesterday.  My midwife (we'll call her L) did her best to find that little heartbeat.  She kept thinking she had heard it, but could not get a solid reading.  Finally, she called in another midwife.  "Sometimes all it takes is another person to look!" she quipped optimistically.  The other midwife (who happened to be the person that delivered Judah) came in and said "This little one's just being quiet like Joey!  Now, don't start getting worried, because I know that's what you want to do."  And then she had a go at it.  

I'm not sure how long she took, but it was long enough for her to ask, "You've been having all of the signs and symptoms of pregnancy?" to which I gave a firm nod.  This was rather worrisome.  The only reason she would ask that would be if the baby had...

Whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp...

"There it is" she said as a smile and a breath of relief affected all who were in the room.  It was a healthy little heartbeat, going steady at 160 bpm.  My baby was not dead inside of me.  In fact, my abdomen is filled with miraculous life.

That was my first contact with our unborn child.  Baby Nutmeg (as we're calling him/her) will continue to grow and grow and grow inside of me, a complete miracle and an absolute blessing.  I already know that Nutmeg's existence is an act of sovereign God.  His/her continued growth and development will be no less of a miracle, as will the life (s)he lives on earth.