a time for everything

A lady asked me yesterday if I was counting down the days until this pregnancy was over, or if I was able to take it one day at a time. I was truly able to answer with the latter. I may fill big, bloat-y, achey, uncomfortable, and hot, but am I impatient to end it all? Surprisingly, no.

In some ways I feel like life has been on speed-dial ever since Joey and I got married. We conceived three months after the wedding, had a baby shortly after a year of marriage, conceived again when our first child was only seven months old, and now, at nearly 2.5 years of marriage, we're about to have another child.

I am neither gloating about nor regretting the way our lives together have started. God's got different timelines for everyone, of this I'm certain. What has been impressed on my heart is how precious every season of life is. Why would I want to waste these last days together as a family of three fretting about and attempting to speed the coming of the next stage in our lives?

The last couple of days have been as Judah-centered as I could make them. That's meant that I've spent a lot of time playing with him and simply savouring the blessing of my big boy, my first child. He's going to change so much when this new baby comes. He's going to be the big brother - the one that looks out for his siblings. He's going to set the standard amongst our children, whether he likes it or not. They will look up to him and try to emulate what he does. My baby boy is about to discover what growing up is all about. It's come sooner for him than it does for many children. Knowing his temperament and easy-going disposition, I'm quite certain it will be a good transition for him. That, and I know God's is our strength, our portion, and our sustainer.

I am filled with wonder at this new little person inside my belly. I'm already anticipating the warm skin-to-skin I will get to enjoy. I can't wait to breathe in the sweet scent of yet another precious little baby. I am going to be amazed at how small s/he is in comparison to my almost-30-pound toddler (whom I still regard as small, thank you). I'll be startled by the newborn startles, hiccups, and itty bitty cries. All of these things have a nearly irresistible draw to me... but they will come in time. God knows exactly when this miracle will take place. I can rest assured in that knowledge. Until then, I will rejoice in the blessings I have been given and pray for the strength and desire to give those blessings back to Him.

a pox on impatience!

Dear friends,

I have decided that I am no longer going to worry about when this baby will show up. I've made predictions. I've contemplated trying every natural labour induction myth I've heard of. I've even become "jumpy" at every little new sensation. All of it is doing nothing to prepare my body for labour.

Because this is my second pregnancy, things are likely to look different than I expect based upon my first birth. For one thing, it's common for a second labour/delivery to take half the time the first one did. With Judah it was 11 hours (from active labour to the end). I am trying to wrap my mind around a mere 5.5 hours of labour. I find I cannot.

Another difference lies in how the baby engages in the pelvis. Whereas in a woman's first pregnancy, the baby usually makes one grand decent and then stays down until delivery (and this can happen days before labour actually begins), in subsequent pregnancies the baby is likely to drop several times, only to pop back up again. I have felt this to be the case from the sensations of I AM TOTALLY SITTING ON THE BABY'S HEAD RIGHT NOW to the cursed INSANE HEARTBURN OF DEATH - and back again. In other words, there's no telling when baby will come based upon how low s/he is sitting.

I do not want to become impatient. I have realized that there are mere days left in this time of us being a family of three. Things are going to be much busier after Nutmeg comes. Judah will be adjusting (hopefully well) to big brotherhood. Joey and I will be back to getting little to no sleep at night. I can't expect that this transition will be easy. Maybe I should just relax and wait this whole thing out without fretting or longing to speed baby's coming. I've also noted that impatience and over-thinking do nothing to help (and often minimize the likelihood of) a natural birth.

So, that's it. I'm am strictly forbidden from being impatient. God is much more aware of what's going on inside of me than I am. I think it would be wise to wait on Him.

mercies

I am struggling with being content and hoping in the Lord. I'm weary of what life is right now. I'm sitting here waiting for things to happen instead of waiting on the Lord. What does "The LORD is my portion" really mean? I think it means that He is all that I need for any and every given moment, every day. Knowing this great truth, I must decide to hope in Him and forsake all else. "The LORD is all I need, therefore I will hope in Him."

Like the man in Mark 9:24, I cry out to my Saviour, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

50 things to be thankful for

1. Jesus died for my sins, and by His merit I am counted a child of God.
2. I have a wonderful husband who's done much more work for this move than I have.
3. My son brings joy to my life and heart every single day.
4. His skills of communication are growing daily.
5. My mom and dad are always thinking of and praying for me.
6. Nutmeg is no longer in posterior position.
7. S/he is growing just as s/he should be.
8. We are in our new house before camp and before Nutmeg arrives.
9. Living off of one plug-in is easier than I thought it would be.
10. We have access to clean water at all times.
11. This has been a complication-free pregnancy.
12. Our cat has adjusted wonderfully to the new house and even seems to be reconciled to Judah.
13. I am under the care of a midwife for this pregnancy.
14. Joey and I have made friends in our church community.
15. Praying for people is the deflater of bitterness.
16. The Holy Spirit presides over the word of God and He is faithful to teach the willing heart what its saying.
17. Sickness, pain, and death serve to point us to the all-powerful, all-sovereign God.
18. God has enabled many skilled people to write hymns and songs of praise that enable me to express what my mouth so often fails to find words for.
19. There are many people in my life whose faith I desire to imitate.
20. We have the freedom to ask God for what we lack, whether that be food, health, or faith.
21. God's ways will never be fully comprehended by man. If they could, He wouldn't be God.
22. Jesus Christ is at the right hand of the throne of God interceding day and night for His people.
23. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us when our words stumble and fall short while in prayer.
24. There is no reason to be ashamed of the Gospel.
25. Every day brings enough time in which to accomplish exactly what God has set out before me to do.
26. So many of my friends are also experiencing the joy of new life - pregnancies and babies abound!
27. My husband's job enables us to raise a family in the beautiful countryside.
28. My husband's superiors provided us with a brand new house to live in.
29. The role of a mother changes and grows as both myself and my children change and grow.
30. We haven't had to worry about getting anything to prepare for this baby.
31. Judah will have a playmate in a very short amount of time!
32. We were able to purchase a vehicle that meets (and exceeds) all of our family's needs.
33. A messy floor means an active and developing child.
34. God's provided camp with a capable and God-fearing leadership staff.
35. Ice-cold showers leave you feeling refreshed and your hair silky-smooth.
36. God's conviction on how much stuff we possess and how we spend our money has come gently. 
37. We finally have a room to call our own in our house.
38. We ourselves have been untouched by flood waters.
39. The flooding going on across the prairies is not something that has escapee God's notice. He's still sovereign over it.
40. I have been able to keep in touch with far away friends via the internet.
41. God gives grace upon grace upon grace upon grace...
42. My husband's late maternal grandmother left behind an undeniable legacy of life in Jesus' name.
43. The Bible study group we are blessed to be a part of is continuing throughout the summer.
44. God is more powerful than my phobia of storms.
45. My son is sleeping peacefully in the next room, allowing me time to capture my scattered thoughts.
46. My husband is my best friend and every day together is truly a gift from God.
47. I now have the space I need to use my creative talents to provide for my family.
48. I am not an island unto myself as I journey on this narrow road - the narrow road of the follower of Christ.
49. I am seeing many, many answers to prayer, and God's using that to build in me the desire to pray more fervently, with more faith.
50. A thankful heart brings much-needed perspective to my life.

crashing

I've been attempting to cope with the stresses of preparing for a new baby, moving, and maintaining an orderly home all on my own effort. I've been trying to understand circumstances through my own biased vision. I've been relying on sleep and food for the energy I need to make it through the day. I've been waiting for the moment I feel like opening God's word to actually do it.

I've been running myself dry.

I feel frazzled, disoriented, unmotivated, and exhausted. Clutter around me is completely overwhelming my desire to do things. People and the mere thought of being around lots of them makes me feel all panicy inside. I just want to curl up into a ball and pretend the world doesn't exist. 

But it does - in a big way. It exists in a child needing me to fulfill his basic needs at all times. It exists in my dust-bunny overrun, empty house and in my fresh, vinyl-y smelling new one that needs to be unpacked. It exists in the husband who loves me and shoulders the load when I can't make myself do it. It exists in the need I know he has for love and affection. It exists in the wiggly child nestled in my womb that depends on me to keep myself healthy. 

"You just need some time to yourself!" is what I expect to hear from people around me. It's what I automatically think when the world becomes too much and I need OUT. I readily agree. 

But here I am, completely alone in a big, quiet house, and I know I'm far from being healed. I'm trying to heal myself, but all I'm doing is treating disease with disease.

I need Jesus. I need to sit at his feet. I need to spend time immersing myself in ancient Scriptures that point to a God who is greater than all and sovereign over all things. I need to get out of this slough and realize that a lifeline to safety does nothing if it comes from the one who's drowning. I need my God every day, every hour, every breath. I have tasted salvation - I know the sweet, sweet breath of life. But, here I am, choking down putrid draughts of worldly slime.

Instead of coping with my stress, I will present my anxieties to God by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving. Instead of scrutinizing situations out of my own limited understanding, I will look at all under the brilliant light of God's Word. Instead of living on bread alone, I will live on every word that procedes from the mouth of God. Instead of waiting for my murderous flesh to desire life, I will choose Life daily.

I've been running myself dry, but now I know that God will fill the one who seeks Him.

refocussing

I am amazed at how selfish of a person I am.

There is nothing on earth I should complain about.

I have been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ's atoning sacrifice on a cross.

Everything I have is a gift from God - I should never start to carry an attitude of entitlement.

My bad attitudes and uncontrolled emotions bring shame upon the name of Christ.

God has placed a task right before me: that of being a wife and a mother.

I am saved.

I have good health.

I have a family of my own.

I have a home.

I have purpose.

I am blessed beyond measure, and it all was given from the hand of God.

Even if I was alone, cold, hungry, and homeless, I would have enough.

Jesus Christ is more precious to me than anything in this world - or at least He should be.

What makes me truly live is not friends, wealth, possessions, or accomplishments.

Every breath is by God's grace.

I will praise God - not because I am comfortable, healthy, and happy,

but because He is holy, all-powerful, and Lord of All.

on fear and faith

I have had an on and off phobia of storms (and, specifically, tornadoes) for the last eight years - ever since I was camping through a terrible storm when I was 14. For most of my high school years I would turn into an inconsolable puddle of fright hiding in the basement whenever I read the words "severe thunderstorm watch/warning" on my computer monitor. Then some things happened that made me face my fears - and trust in God. My family moved to a mobile home that had no basement. I could no longer trust in physical structures for my safety. Then I began working at a Bible camp for entire summers at a time. When you have eight or so little girls to look after in a tent/shed hybrid of a cabin, debilitating fear is not an option. Strong reliance upon God became the necessity. The fear I felt has never really abated in strength - it's just been countered by faith in God's sovereignty.

Now, as a new (and expectant) mother, I feel these fears rising to their old levels. I fear for my son. I fear for the squiggly (and pointy, might I add) baby inside my womb. I fear what the fear coursing through my body does to the tiny little human I'm housing. And I fear the future with the knowledge that, once again, we'll be living in a mobile home with no basement. Of course, statements such as "the most tornado-related deaths happen in mobile homes" don't do anything to help the situation. 

That's why yesterday was so tough. There were many severe thunderstorm warnings to be had around these parts, and I also had the task of driving to a nearby city when I knew bigger-than-golfball-sized-hail had already materialized along the road. Thankfully the storm had passed over by the time I got going, and there was really no reason to fear. Even so, I felt like my ability to cope with my fear had already been spent for the day, thank you. 

And then another warning came. I didn't need the computer to tell me that this time - I could see black clouds approaching (which, at camp, means that the storm is practically upon us) and could feel the sudden spike in temperature and humidity. Uh oh. The fear began rising before I could even assess the situation. 

Nothing much happened last night, really. The ominous clouds set a quiet and eerie tone over the whole countryside, as if every living thing was holding it's breath. Then the light show started. Every second brought at least one or two flashes of lightning that snaked across the heavens like an intricate network of veins. It was so bright, in fact, that I struggled to keep my eyes in focus. There was no reprieve. Among all of this, not a rumble of thunder could be heard. It was a silent display of power. The clouds, with bellies full of rain (the lightning often lit them up from behind), resolutely refused to unleash the downpour that the land was waiting for. Still, it seemed as though fear was gripping everything else as it was gripping me. I was prepared to take cover in our crawl space at a moment's notice, should the need arise. It never did. 

During all of this I found myself constantly giving over my anxieties to Christ. I held on to Philippians  4:6-7, which states "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". I grasped this command and promise in both hands, simultaneously pouring out all my fears to the Lord while feeling His calming presence surround me. When I would stop voicing my concerns to Him, I would quickly feel the fear jump back to it's usurped place in my heart. At one point I desperately questioned God as to why He couldn't just take away the fear for good, but then I realized ridding me completely of fear would leave no need for faith. And so I watched the skies, in awe of God's mighty power over creation and trusting mightily in His sovereignty over all things.

Oh, friends, we have a mighty God who gives good gifts to His children, but we so often refuse to bow our knees before His throne of grace to ask for what we need. Sometimes we do go to Him, but we think one moment of petition should be enough to last for a given amount of time. God's grace isn't like that - it's not poured out in little bits and then used up when a task is done. I believe we need to be in constant prayer for it and depend upon Him to supply every single drop to sustain us. God is not a placebo drug. He is the absolute IV of life. 

The sun is brilliant today. I can hear birds chirping and the countryside is greener than ever before. Our God is bigger, our God is stronger. God, you are higher than any other. Our God is healer. He's awesome in power. Our God...

the death of self

The only way I can truly understand the greatness of Christ is if I come to the end of myself - when God reveals His majesty to me and I fall on my face as though dead. I can't say how exactly God will choose to reveal His majesty because it's different every time, but I do know that when confronted with His holiness I become ever so aware of my sinfulness. In that moment of death when I'm utterly devastated and helpless, Christ's gentle and powerful right hand rests on my head and He speaks to me these words:

Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.

Only when I've come to that point of complete self denial can I truly understand that Jesus Christ is all. He always was and always will be. He died in my place, and He is alive forevermore. All powers of this world that would hold sway over me are in His hands. There is no reason for me to fear, but to hope. I can't possibly pay to God the honour due unless I understand that I am as good as dead, but in Christ I live. 

---

Revelation 1:9-20

mommy guilt

"If the baby doesn't come out on this push, I'm going to have to cut you", my midwife warned, carefully assessing the situation and the level to which I had already exerted myself. If she had meant that to motivate me, it most certainly did the trick. With all of the force I had in my weary body, I pushed - willing that my child come into the world, making it happen. A wave of relief shuddered through my body as my child came forth, and I heard the precious, garbled cry of my new son.

My son. In that awesome, excruciating moment, I had become a mother.

Before he was born, I had done much speculation on what it was to be a mother. I reasoned that I already was a mother at heart, which was somewhat true. I thought I knew how hard labour would be, and how infinitely harder the first weeks after would be. I thought motherhood would come to me naturally - isn't that how it works? Instinct kicks in, and you just know how to care for your child.

If I thought these things would be easy once I became a mother, I couldn't have been more wrong. Giving birth was much more difficult than even I could imagine it to be, and the exhaustion that followed was greater than anything I've ever known. I found that, although I loved my son dearly and definitely wanted to do the best thing for him, I didn't automatically know what that thing was. My instinct was to love, but I was so unsure of how to do it properly. An hour or so after he was born, when Joey and I were incapacitated from the hours of adrenaline that had just passed, my baby boy began whimpering in his plastic bassinet. I thought all he needed was comfort, but, being physically unable to lift myself from the bed to retrieve him, I resorted to simply resting my hand on his head and speaking soft words to him. In the morning (a mere two hours later) I was questioned as to why I had not fed him yet. In that moment I experienced the first blow of what would grow to be a long battle in mommy guilt. 

I fell asleep while nursing him again. His jaundice won't go away. I'm not producing enough milk for him. He's been losing weight and I didn't even notice. He's been hungry this whole time, and I did not feed him. I shouldn't have tried to feed him on a schedule. We have to start supplementing because my body is incapable of providing for him - what will people think? Everyone now thinks I'm feeding him too much. I yelled at him in a moment of desperation. I can't keep a house with a baby to look after. I am failing my husband.

I have thought all of these things - and more - on many, many occasions. Each one brings a wave of guilt that has the ability to completely beat me to the dust. After all, what am I worth if I can't fulfill one of the most basic functions of a woman?

Oh, friends, how destructive and deceitful is this line of thinking. How hurtful it is to believe that if a woman struggles in mothering a child and keeping a home, she is worthless. Let me be clear on this: the desire and passion to be a mother might be burning through your veins, but how to live out that role is not something that will come naturally. It has to be learned - learned through many mistakes and unexpected victories, often through trial and error. And, friends, it is best handled at the footstool of Christ.

How does one acquire knowledge? By reading books? observing others who have done it before? asking for advice? All of these things may lead you to some answers and solutions, but they are oftentimes only temporary fixes to your confidence as a mother. There's also the fact that all children are different. What may work wonders for one mother could possibly spell disaster for you and your child. There is, simply put, no perfect method of parenting. That is why I am encouraging you to look to the cross. Look to the amazing sacrifice of Christ and live your life in light of what He's done for you. Bring everything to the Lord in prayer and trust in His promise to work things together for good. Trust in His sovereignty. Immerse your mind in scripture daily. Live your life by the word of God. You may not get an answer to your question about your little one's digestion, but you can be sure to find strength to stand when that familiar chill of mommy guilt sets in - because it will try to sink it's teeth into you at every turn if you put your confidence in yourself.

As I contemplate how life will look like having a newborn and a toddler under two years of age, I have two options: either worry about how I'm going to cope with the physical, spiritual, and emotional turmoil that come with bearing a child and fret over my incompetency, OR trust that God will provide all of my needs and bow my knee before His almighty throne, knowing that in my weakness HE is strong.

Again, I do not write these things because I am a fully competent mother who's got everything worked out. I definitely do not have anything "worked out". I went to sleep last night completely wracked with fear for our baby-on-the-way and plagued with guilt in regards to our toddling son. It was a miserable place to be. I beat myself up almost daily for my failings in the home. But, deep within me, I know that I know that I know I am avoiding the One who has promised to take my cares and anxieties in exchange for the peace that passes all understanding. I am refusing to believe that my identity is found in Him and placing it in my feeble attempts to be something special. Friends, this is leading me down a road that only leads to destruction, as it will lead anyone who refuses God's grace.

To those who are preparing to welcome a baby into the family, I say that the only way to prepare yourself for the roller coaster called "motherhood" is to cultivate in yourself a heart after God. To those struggling with the all-surpassing mommy guilt that threatens to overrun, I say cast your cares upon the Lord. Allow Him to be the strength in your life. Bring everything before Him in prayer, and be covered by His grace.

a word on Christians and politics...

Last night the polls here in Canada closed, the votes were tallied, and a Conservative majority government led by Stephen Harper was announced. It was an election called because the other parties thought they stood a chance of turning the tables on Harper and spurring on change in our country. Well, change did come, but not in the form that the opposition had hoped.

Don't worry, this isn't going to be some highly-charged political post in which I stand on my soapbox, rant about my viewpoints, and shame you for holding any contrary opinions. Frankly, whether or not we are happy about the results, it doesn't really matter. The government is set. It's fixed. It's a done deal for four years.

This post is for Christians - for people who call on the name of the Lord, trusting in His atoning sacrifice for salvation. We have a very important task at hand - much more important than casting a vote. Yes, people in other countries DIE for the right to vote. Yes, it is a privilege. But, the importance of that privilege is one that has now expired. Canada voiced it's opinion, and now we have what we asked for. What is infinitely more important and powerful than a vote is the Christian's ability to pray. This relationship we have with Jesus Christ, the salvation we've received by HIS merit and HIS precious blood is something people have been dying for throughout nearly all of history. Instead of grumbling about our country's leadership, we should be praying for it. Pray specifically for those in charge. Pray for the conviction of the Holy Spirit upon their lives. No man is above conviction, and no man is below salvation. Press forward and intercede for those God has placed over us. Don't just grudgingly wait four years and feel like making an "X" on a card is all you can do - all you're required to do.

I'd like to point you to 1 Timothy 2, where the command to pray is made quite obvious:

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.
(1 Timothy 2:1-6 ESV)

Not only should we pray for our authorities, but we should also respect them. 

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.      

(Romans 13:1-7 ESV)

God is sovereign - even over politics. Trust Him, be obedient to Him, and do your part for your country. 

on marriage

our engagement photo

I haven't been that open about my marriage on this blog, except for the passing remark on how fabulous my husband is. It could give the impression that Joey and I are above average in today's society, dealing with very little hardship as a couple. In truth, we struggle just as much as any other couple out there.

If you know me or have stuck around this blog for a while, you probably know that Joey and I were long-distance sweethearts pretty much up until we got married. It's commonly thought that a couple shouldn't get married until they've had a really good fight - just to see how they come through it. I suppose it's one way to test the waters for marriage. That's something neither Joey nor I had the opportunity to experience before we were wed. We were always in harmony together, seeking to put the Lord first in our relationship before each other. There were times of slight miscommunication, but no fights. Neither of us felt the need to greedily hold to our selfish desires. We gave them up for the sake of the other person. So, without so much as a quarrel, we pledged our lives to one another. That was not a mistake.

It's often said that the first year of marriage is one of the hardest a couple will ever experience together. Again, I found this statement to be inaccurate - so long as we were living in obedience to God's word and showing deference to the other person. Our first year was one of great change and new experience (hello, moving four times and getting pregnant after three months of marriage), but our desire to live for the Lord and honour the other person made it one of the most beautiful years of my life.

Now, as we're well into our second year of marriage, things are looking a bit different. And, as much as I am loathe to do it, I need to take responsibility for my actions. It's not that we really fight, but that the driving passion to keep our relationship focussed on God and submissive to each other has been buried under the hullabaloo of life. When we were newly wed, we thrilled to make marriage the most beautiful experience imaginable. It was easy to lay aside my desires for the sake of my husband's. It was something I longed to do, something I looked for every opportunity to fulfill. But, slowly, pride has settled into my heart. 

Pride comes in so many devious forms! It can materialize in the mindset that Joey has his life at work while I live mine at home. It takes root when I think "we've got this marriage thing all worked out" and make no efforts to continue to grow in it. It sinks its claws in when I justify my actions by reasoning that my over-sensitivity and bent to vent is the natural response to Joey's easy-going, hesitant nature. A man and wife are not supposed to fit together because they bring what the other lacks to the table. They are supposed to compliment each other's nature and spur each other on through word and deed. And, unfortunately for me and my big mouth, that does not justify my ability to run on while Joey remains silent. On the contrary, my actions pull him down rather than build him up. 

I know a lot of women get more than a little offended by passages of Scripture that suggest a woman is supposed to be submissive to her husband (ie "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" Colossians 3:18.). That word, indeed, does create some unwanted associations. It seems like such a blunt and thoughtless command. It seems like a woman is required to subdue her character in order to please her husband. What many don't realize is that this particular command comes after a beautiful passage of Scripture in which the author instructs both men and women to clothe themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness, and love. We are instructed to let the peace of Christ dwell in us and to admonish one another, giving thanks to God. All of these things actually serve to enhance one's God-given character, not subdue it. A wife submitting to her husband as God intends is practicing all of these beautiful things out of love and respect for her husband. As much as we women would like to be seen as independent and self-sufficient, our husbands have God-given responsibility and authority over us. They are not told to be dictators, however. They are given a command to love and not be harsh. A husband leading his wife as God intends is clothing himself in all the aforementioned qualities out of love and respect for his wife. It's not a case of "If he loves me, then I'll respect him"or "if she respects me, I'll love her". That mindset will never work out. It is experiential, fleeting, and faulty. It will lead to the death of a godly marriage.

Guys, I'm not writing this because I'm perfect. This has been a journey into Scripture for me. Last night I succumbed to my selfish desires and lashed out at my husband - mostly with stony silence mingled with a few well-aimed blows. I don't even know why I did it, except that I was not obeying God and refusing to cloth myself with love. I wanted to be right about something (and what that something was, I don't even know). I wanted a fight. I tried my best to draw him out, to pique his manly arrogance and feel justified for acting catty. I was so, so wrong to do so. What I needed to do was submit my selfish desires over to God - but that's the last thing I wanted to do. By submitting to God, I would have also chosen to submit to my husband. I was avoiding the real problem in my own heart and attempting to project it onto him. I was simply horrible.

I guess what I'm getting at is that any marital strife I've experienced in this marriage always boils down to whom I choose to serve. Will I choose myself, or my God? It may sound silly, but it's something that has to be decided anew EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I feel like I should set an alarm each morning just so I can sit alone, bow my heart before God, and put on all of those qualities listed in Colossians 3. I must choose God. In doing so, I will without a doubt submit to my husband. I will love him correctly, in all purity. It is the only way this marriage will glorify God.

Marriage is truly a beautiful thing. The union of two people does not just exist in the signing of a contract, but in the actual transformation of two people into one flesh. Please, do not neglect God's commands concerning it. They are there for your good.

Behold our God

Who has felt the nails upon his hands?

Bearing all the guilt of sinful man

God eternal, humbled to the grave

Jesus, Saviour, risen now to reign

Behold our God

Seated on His throne

Come let us adore Him

Behold our King

Nothing can compare

Come let us adore Him

Jesus, thank you

They mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend

The agonies of Calvary

You the perfect Holy One crushed your son

Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

Your blood has washed away my sin

Jesus, thank you

The Father's wrath completely satisfied

Jesus, thank you

Once you're enemy, now seated at your table 

Jesus, thank you

By your perfect sacrifice I've been brought near

Your enemy you've made your friend

Pouring out the riches of your glorious grace

Your mercy and your kindness know no end

Your blood has washed away my sin

Jesus, thank you

The Father's wrath completely satisfied

Jesus, thank you

Once you're enemy, now seated at your table 

Jesus, thank you

Lover of my soul, I want to live for you.

God, revive our land

My heart has a growing burden for Canada. We're living in an age of comfort and prosperity. There's no persecution here, no fear of being dragged before authorities because we proclaim the name of Christ.

This has got me wondering about our condition. Aren't there numerous passages in the New Testament that firmly say we WILL experience persecution? Passages that tell us to take heart because Christ was hated first? I'm also troubled by verses like Hebrews 12:6 that say "For the Lord disciplines the ones he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives". Where's our chastisement? Some would argue that it's "inward, personal" chastisement which we feel here in Canada. I agree - the Lord is definitely capable of working in people's hearts in a quiet manner. But the fact remains that Canada is not a Christian nation. If it were, we'd be under a lot more trials than at present. I fear we are a very pharisaical nation to which Jesus would say, "I come to help the sick and dying, not those who consider themselves 'well'". If we don't see and acknowledge the sin that we are immersed in and our helpless state, then what draws us to the Great Physician?

There is a world of hurt, lies, and deceit lying right outside our doorstep. Yes, other people in other nations need Jesus, too, but we cannot let our own nation fall into decay. After all, our homes are where the true states of our hearts are revealed.

"God keep our land glorious and free", but not at the expense of our souls. No amount of comfort is worth that cost.

the mark of a Christian

Sunday was a strange day. We were physically storm stayed here at camp, while the rest of the world around us seemed to keep functioning without a hitch. Most places didn't get much snow at all, while others just got rain. It was like this little storm was sent to keep my husband and I at home for a reason.

Instead of fellowshipping with believers in community, Joey and I had time to seek God together - I mean, really get into His word. I think we were both deeply convicted on certain areas of our lives. The Holy Spirit worked in us to bring about that conviction.

Now, it could just stop there. I could have these moments of grave conviction in which I admit that I am living in rebellion towards God, but do nothing to turn from those errors. In that case, I would be no better off than I was before, and conviction would turn into condemning guilt. I think that's something I have struggled with throughout my life. I see my sin so evidently before me, but I forget that with Christ's forgiveness, I am told to "go and sin no more".

The mark of a true child of God is that she agrees with Him about her sin, and then immediately changes that behaviour in obedience to His Word. This is what's called repentance. Knowing your shortcomings but not acting on them will only leave you assured of your destruction. Repenting from them and trusting in God's mercy through Christ to cover you leaves you assured of your salvation.

What do you choose? Death or life? Guilt or repentance? Yourself or God?

shelter from the storm

:: photo credit ::

Is anyone else a little bit troubled about all of the things happening in the world right now? Major earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns, governments being overthrown, political unrest, changing culture, growing church factions, etc. are all plaguing our planet, and it's a fearful thing to behold. I can't even pretend to be totally informed on any of these matters, but I can tell you that watching and waiting by the sidelines is scary enough. I constantly have to remind myself that none of these things is a surprise to God. I also say to myself, "There's nothing new under the sun!" knowing that all of these things have dotted history time and time again. 

As a Christian who's mostly consumed with the daily grind of motherhood, it's difficult to feel the full effects of our groaning planet. I might not understand just how horrible radiation poisoning is, or what the phrase "being found in contempt of court" really means, but I have felt the shockwave on a different level. 

I feel an attack, a growing oppression, on my identity as a child of God. Everywhere I turn, I'm having to make decisions based upon what the Bible says, what I choose to believe, and what I want to be identified with. I'm feeling it in my own walk with Christ when I must choose to lay aside my comforts and seek Him wholeheartedly. It's hard to do - harder than I ever remember it being. I am loathe to admit it, but I fear man and condemnation from those closest to me. I have to force myself to consider God first and foremost, which is not in my nature to do. I feel like I'm straddling a fence and a storm is coming. I must choose to hide myself in the cleft of the Rock - under God's very mercies - or else be swept away.

I occasionally post lyrics to songs on this blog. Most of them are from Sovereign Grace Music. You should check it out. This group of Christians functions to provide songs packed full with theology to Christians everywhere. You can download all of their songs' guitar chords, lead sheets, and lyrics for free, and pay a mere $6 to get a full set of sheet music per album. I greatly respect what they're doing. 

This song, in particular, has blessed me this morning. I looked up the lyrics and was completely astounded by the peace it spoke to my troubled soul. Here's a disclaimer, though: always go to the word of God and to prayer for truth, for peace, for security. If this song touches you, then respond by seeking God in obedience.

I Have a Shelter
By Steve & Vikki Cook and Bob Kauflin


I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You'll bring me home to heaven

what the experts say

The difference between the weeks completed and weeks to go in this pregnancy is pleasing - and scary! - to me. I am rejoicing that I'm almost to the point when baby can survive outside of the womb!

I know a couple who, pregnant with their first born, found themselves in a position that many pregnant women dread - going into early labour. This wasn't a "Surprise! four weeks early!" thing.  Baby Jacob was born at 26 weeks gestation, weighing only 2 lbs. From what I understand, the doctors were concerned about the possibility of his lungs being under-developed. This couple's church family petitioned the Lord for the sake of baby Jacob, and when he was born (thanks be to God), his lungs were fine!

I can't even imagine how hard the next months were for this family. They live in a small city with limited medical capabilities, so Jacob was kept the closest major city hospital - over an hour away. Life went on for the parents, which meant daily trips to the hospital and the inability to hold their sweet little boy like all new parents desire to do. They were, quite literally, living on the Lord's provision. 

I had the privilege of seeing Jacob when he had just reached 8 lbs - when he would have been full-term (~3 months old). His mother glowed more than any other new mother I have ever seen. When people tear up looking at the little miracle in her arms, she would resolutely reply, "No! Jacob is not supposed to make you cry. He is a miracle! Look how happy he is! Look how healthy he is! He's our miracle baby." She's right, he does bring joy - although such intense joy often manifests itself with big, hot tears. 

This family is not out of the woods yet. Last I heard, they were waiting on the decision whether or not Jacob's head would undergo intense re-shaping. Babies that little have very soft bones, which leads to misshapen heads because of the amount of time they are laying on flat, firm surfaces. A surgery like that is no small thing. What I love, though, is the joy that baby Jacob's parents have maintained throughout this whole process. I'm sure they've had incredibly dark moments/days/weeks, but they have relied on God's grace to get them through, and the knowledge that God knows best.  

No, I can't imagine going into such an early labour. I can't imagine the trials down the road should such a thing happen. But the truth is that God DOES know, He does provide, and He will not crush those who hope in Him. While I may rejoice because some medical professionals say "your baby can survive at such and such number of weeks", it is far better to put my trust in the Author of Life. 

holy holy holy

This song is kind of making waves in my life lately. I believe that singing the simple words "holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty" holds huge meaning. It's not a mantra. These words do not make you holy or better by just saying/singing them. The singing of these words immediately draws my attention to God and makes me want to fall to my face and weep - not because I'm sad or without hope, but because I am so unworthy, and His grace is so astounding. That's much different than feeling completely justified in the person that I am.

I'm not about to post a video on here, but I will leave you with the beautiful lyrics.

---

Revelation Song

by Kari Jobe

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Holy, holy is He

Sing a new song to Him who sits on

Heaven's mercy seat

Holy holy holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of kings

You are my everything

And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living colour

Flashes of lightening, rolls of thunder

Blessing and honour, strength and glory and power be

To You the only wise King

Holy holy holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of kings

You are my everything

And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus, Your name is power

Breath, and living water

Such a marvellous mystery

Holy holy holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of kings

You are my everything

And I will adore You

stuck in a moment

This week has felt really long.  It feels like I haven't been to church in a month.  While in the midst of it, I felt like I was having a really good week.  I was following my new weekly schedule and enjoying myself tremendously.  I was being the wife and mother I had always wanted to be.  And yet, at the end of the day, I would realize that I had not set apart any time of the day to spend with my Lord.  Here I was so successful in all that I put my hands to, but it was all dedicated to me.  The first fruits were greedily consumed.

How often do we, as Christians, fall into this pattern of selfishness?  We are human.  We enjoy when things go our way.  It gives a sense of victory and accomplishment.  It's intoxicating.  We live in the moment, for the moment, and seem to forget that God calls us to pay attention to what goes far beyond the moment.  He calls us to worship Him for His eternal existence, to live for Him because of the atonement on the cross 2000 years ago, and to be ever-anticipating the eternal heaven where we will worship His glory for ever and ever.

That's why I need to be with believers this morning.  That's why I need to be convicted of my sins.  That's why I need to hear, yet again, of my sinfulness and Christ's sinlessness.  I never want to become trapped in the mundane of the moment.  I want to live as if not of this world.

And I can't do it on my own.