There's been a lot floating around in my head lately. So much to process, so much to translate into action. My husband and I did indeed go to my parents' church to take part of their annual Bible conference last weekend, which is what has inspired most of the introspection throughout the week.
After I had graduated from high school, I had no definite sense of calling in my life. No course of study could draw my attention, no college held sway over my preferences. I toyed with the idea of enrolling myself in the Faculty of Education at the U of R, but the unreasonable price which this would cost (for one such as I) always brought me back to reality. Instead of stepping out into the unknown, I found myself signed up to be an intern at a family-run rescue mission. In no way do I wish to belittle my time there or the experience I gained, but the truth is that I could not fit in with the program, my position, and the course load which I had signed up for.
Again, I found myself searching for direction. It was in this time of uncertainty that God divinely led me to consider attending Millar College of the Bible. It was the community my dad grew up in, the college he attended, and where he met my mother. As many connections as I seemed to have with the place, I realized that going there would in no way be the "safe" road. I looked at the money I had (which had always been the deciding factor in making decisions before), and found that I had just enough - combined with the generous aid of my parents, of course. Ignoring every inclination to wait it out until I was one new face amongst 70, I applied to begin in the spring semester of 2008 - and was warmly accepted.
This change of scenery marked an even bigger change in my >20 years of life. I was so burnt-out, so desperate for a place where I could simply learn and not be looked to for guidance. I needed a broom tree - and that is exactly what God provided.
Side note: God knows all of our needs before we even put them into words, and He knows how to best care for His sheep. He is Jehovah-Jireh - my Provider.
The most important thing about my season at Millar was the care and authority with which the professors taught the word of God. They knew what they were presenting to the students could in no way be tainted by their own natures - for they knew that God would hold them accountable for every idle word spoken. I needed to be taught, not asked questions and left to decide on my own what I think the Bible is "trying" to say.
By the way, the Bible doesn't "try" to say anything. It speaks Truth, pure and unadulterated. All we must do is decide whether we will submit and obey or oppose and rebel, the former bringing freedom and the latter, death.
It was one of those professors that spoke at last weekend's conference. As I listened - this time having swapped an uncomfortable desk for an equally uncomfortable pew, and this time feeling the kicks of my growing baby inside of me - I was transported back to those "broom tree" days. I was, not unkindly, reminded that THIS BOOK IN YOUR HANDS IS THE VERY WORD OF GOD. Overwhelmed at my lack of belief over the past year, I soaked in all the teaching that Professor Armstrong was compelled to give.
That weekend has left me desiring for more - insatiably more - of God's word. Prof. Armstrong's passion is the Torah - the first five books of the Bible. He expounded on the presence of Jesus Christ in those foundational books. He showed that the Bible is indeed beyond man's comprehension. It's complexities are unmatched. He proved that the Bible shows how God is infinite, all knowing, ever-present, all powerful - that He is above all.
The trouble with all of this conviction lies within my day-to-day life. I came home with my heart crying, "more! More!" and was met with "the dishes need to be done, the laundry folded, and that's that!" I found myself at once overwhelmed by the monotony that is this life of "see need, meet need, repeat". This whole week has been one giant pendulum of emotions. One moment I am rejoicing in the glorious salvation with which I am unworthy to be acquainted, and the next I fear that if I don't get out of the house, I'll lose my sanity and wound those I love.
I'm beginning to see that, once again, I am in need of direction - even if that direction leads me no where but my own home. I am "burnt out" on my own devices. At the same time, I know God has provided a "broom tree" for Joey and myself - that of the body of Christ. We have nearly weekly fellowship with close friends of ours, who have been sharpening us and spurring us on in our faith. We are hearing the word of God preached with gravity, passion, and love every Sunday. My husband is involved with a group of men who study the word of God every Wednesday morning - and I'm seeing the results of this form of "mentorship" in his life. Yes, we are resting under the shade of the broom tree. Now it is our turn to wait on God for direction.
Here's what I'm praying for: that God would rekindle the passion I once felt for simply being a wife and a mom - except, this time, based on the grace that has been extended to me through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ. I'm weary and feel utterly useless here at home. I know from Scripture that God will provide, and I must wait on Him to both convict me and place a burning passion within my heart.
.....
Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”
And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
(1 Kings 19:1-8 ESV)
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