an obscure form of idolatry

It wasn't too long ago that I declared war on the lack of productivity in my life.  I sat down with a spreadsheet in front of me and vowed to schedule practically every minute of my day.  This schedule looked something like* this:


6:30     Wake up, get ready for the day
7:00     Time spent in prayer and the word
8:00     Breakfast & time to connect with Hubby
8:30     Computer time (includes blogging)
9:15     Gather all dirty laundry from bedroom
9:30     Judah's nap time
10:00    Kitchen cleanup
10:30    Morning walk with Judah
11:30    Lunch preparation
12:00    Husby time! and lunch
1:00     Lunch clean up
1:30     Judah's nap time
2:00     General house upkeep
3:00     Play with Judah
4:00     Supper prep
4:30     Daddy alert: make sure house, baby, and self are neat and tidy
5:00     Husby is home!
...         And I'll spare you the details of the rest of the day.

*I say "something like" because I may have already lost the schedule...

No frills, no gimmicks.  This was what I wanted my day to look like, although some obvious things are missing, such as "feed Judah bananapotatacado" and "battle with Judah for half an hour while I insist he goes to sleep".

This is what I found:

I cannot keep to a schedule.  Cleaning the house becomes drudgery.  Spending time in the word of God becomes as pointless as speaking mantras into the wind.  In these feeble attempts to "better" myself, I become too dependant on myself.  And I lose sight of the cross.

I'm not saying that I need to give up housecleaning (etc) altogether, but what I need to give up is the attitude that, by perfecting these things, I have perfected myself.  Instead, I need to trust ever more fully in the knowledge that being right with God is not by any righteousness of my own, but by Christ's righteousness that covers my sin. 


At this point, it means that I must give up this schedule altogether.  I cannot do it without, in some way, "worshipping" myself.  And that is a sin.

Maybe, one day, I will be able to write down a schedule and use it to bring glory to God, but I think I've got a lot more to learn about, say, my own unworthiness, before that becomes a reality.