There are a many things I enjoy doing, such as knitting, painting, drawing, and baking.  The common theme among these things? Creating.  I love to create, and in this way reflect my Creator.  My gifts aren't meant to be wasted on myself, but used in such a way that brings glory to God.

Last night I had a conversation with one of my closest friends.  Funny, even though we admit that our relationship is awkward at times and that we're often intimidated by each other, she is still one of the dearest people to my heart.  I love her for how much she loves Jesus and seeks to live for Him.  This talk was long overdue. "I just want to live for Jesus.  I just want to be faithful" she says to me.  "I must tell Jesus how much I love Him."  Her heart is so broken for her Lord.

Why am I not living out of love for Jesus?  Giving all that I do and have to Him?  It is a daily struggle.  I wake up in the morning, begrudgingly roll out of bed, and start my day with complaints most of the time.  When I'm not living for Jesus, everything seems so futile.  Cleaning the house? pointless.  Relating with people? unnecessary.  What have I got to live for if not living for Him?

That conversation last night was monumental.  I told my friend how God had used her to touch my heart and point me back to Christ.  I wasn't surprised at all that she was completely unaware of having done so.  You see, when God uses us, He doesn't blow the trumpets and announce our good deeds to the world.  He says, "Andrea, have faith.  I will do what I set out to do. Period."

I woke up this morning with purpose.  I must tell Jesus how much I love Him.  First, I used my gifts and made muffins, and now I'm about to sit down and soak in His word.  I don't do it often enough.  Don't look at me like that.  I'm not perfect, and you know it.

I actually started this post to put up pictures of my amazing muffins, but I guess the plan changed.  I'll post some pictures some other time.  Right now I need to talk to Jesus.

you might think it strange...

I have to be honest with you.  I have been thinking (a lot) lately about our family.  I mean, my me-joey-bebe family.  And I've been really, seriously desiring that this family would grow.

No, I'm not pregnant.  Sorry to disappoint you.  But I am seriously in love with this whole "life" thing.

When I was about seventeen years old, God gave me a special task for my life.  That's the age when teenagers are usually freaking out about rationally planning what course of action they are going to take after high school.  Even though I never really was much of a "teenager", I did not escape that pressure.  Nearly every evening I would sit down at the family computer and Google as many post-secondary options as I could think of.  Each idea I had only left me feeling lost, confused, and frustrated (and not a little distraught).  It was about that time that I published this post.  I was an overwhelmed, unstable mess at the time.  Until God spoke truth to my heart (see: aforementioned post).  Then, even though I was no where close to having made a decision, I was at peace--a peace that was not based upon my ability to know everything, but on God's sovereignty.

When asked what I wanted to do with my life one night while working at camp, I found myself smiling and saying, "all I want to do is to be a wife and a mom.  That's it."  Ummm... yeah, that did not come from me.  I had absolutely NO direction at that point.  None!  But I believe that God placed that desire in my heart.

Fast-forward to the present.  I went to college for a little under a year and worked at an inner-city rescue mission, but neither of those things became my passion in life.  What did happen is that I married the man of my dreams (at age nineteen, no less), and now I am mother to a beautiful baby boy!  God has completely enabled me to carry out His desire for my life, even to the point of ruining other plans I have made in haste.  He is so good!

All of that is to say I'm not convinced that I'm supposed to put "life" and "comfort" and "convenience" before the task to which I have been appointed.  I believe, truly believe, that I am where God wants me to be.  Now I need to obey.

Do you know what this means?  It means that Joey and I may be living, at some point in the future, literally from paycheck to paycheck.  It means that I probably will not be able to lose those XX pounds and get that 6 pack before I'm pregnant again.  It means that we might possibly be estranged from people around us who just aren't ready for the whole "family" thing.  It means we might look like fanatics.

You know what?  God absolutely delights in His children being obedient to Him.  And I'm thinking that that's going to be enough for me.

of weeds

God is working here and now, and I haven't even posted about it!  Shame on me.

Three (and a half) weeks of camp have already flown by.  All I can say is that God has blessed us with amazing staff--young men and women that are seeking Him*.

hopefully the last update I'll feel compelled to give

We just got back from the clinic.  The results? Judah has gained 9 ounces in as many days (so that would make him 10 lb 13 oz).  That is exactly what he should gain, praise the Lord.  Thanks for praying, guys.

I just looked over to see the Cuteness smiling in his sleep.  He (finally) fell asleep in the car, and I'm not waking him up for the world.  So, yes, that means he's slumbering safely buckled into his car seat.  Hey, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do, yes?

I am so emotionally drained.  It was such a rough morning.  The Cuteness got so worked up over everything - even taking a bath.  Sometimes I wish he was just a teensy bit  older so that I could tell him that mommy's here, everything is going to be all right!  and it would actually make things better.  At this point he's just inconsolable.  I'm sure it's just a phase?

Oh, and the mommy got so worked up over everything.  I may have gently squeezed frantically pounded a couple pillows flat this morning.  But, hey, don't worry, God used those extremely low moments to bring  me to a point of submission, confession, and repentance.  Sometimes it takes a lot to get through to me, I tell ya.

So, yes. Things are going better.  Apparently my methods are still "too textbook".   Or are they not "textbook"?  Which textbook am I supposed to use, anyways?  Now that I know the Cuteness is finally getting enough, I need to find ways to, you know, have time in the day.  As it is I feed him for an hour, entertain him for 15 minutes, and then attempt to put him to bed for 45 minutes (and usually fail).  Lather, rinse Repeat.  THAT is why I only get around to washing diapers when there is only one diaper left.  THAT is why my house looks the way it does.  But I'm willing to stick with it if that's what it takes to keep this little guy healthy.  

Ahhh... sweet silence.  Too bad I have to ruin it by switching over a load of laundry.

short on words

I cannot express to you, readers, just how much I have been impacted by the support I’ve been shown by you.  Every email, every message, every conversation has blessed me so much.  Our God is a god who hears—and His people have been praying.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Whatever the results are today, I know God is faithful.  And, like many of you have said, formula isn’t the end of all things.  I’m pretty sure that Judah’s been getting more food than before, but if he hasn’t been, it’s not my failure as a mother.

Your words have set me straight

If, at any time, you would like to send me a message that doesn’t appear in the “comments” section, please use the “contact” tab above.  Your message will get to me directly, and I will respond directly. 

Our God is awesome.  He is faithful.  He is just.  And He gives good gifts to His children—though sometimes the packaging bewilders us.

Only by faith,
Andrea Sawatzky

we're expecting a big one, folks

The Baby Weight Saga continues...

I am just a teensy bit nervous about the Cuteness' weigh-in tomorrow.  It's hard to get an exact reading on a household scale (we're talking ounces here, people), but I have reason to believe that Judah has passed the 11 pound mark.  If that is the case, then he has gained at least 12 ounces in 10 days - which is exactly what he should be gaining!  Please pray... I don't think I can handle much more of this guessing game.  Like, seriously, my nerves are on end.  I'm one cry short of pumping my baby full of formula at any given moment in the day, and if he has any trouble latching on, it feels like the end of the world.  I definitely anticipated this whole parenting thing to be a stretch, but breastfeeding?  Isn't that kind of what women were designed for?

Sigh... I know we'll get through this.  God has led us thus far, and He's not really the type to, you know, abandon those He's leading.  Do you want to know how you can pray for me?  Don't pray that BAM! everything is all hunky-dorey.  Pray that I would have faith in the One who has orchestrated it all.  

I'm much obliged to ya.

Update tomorrow!

a shift in the wrong direction

A couple of days ago I spent some time reading through my oldest blog posts.  It was like flipping through the pages of my life, stopping to say hi to old friends, and seeing just how much I've changed over the last four years.  Yes, that's right, this blog is over four years old.  I could've done some big Four Year Anniversary Extravaganza, but, seeing as it fell somewhere in my two weeks of "overdue", I am happy to excuse myself.

During my perusing I noticed something a little grievous: this blog has slowly turned from being God-centered to self-centered.  I used to view it as another avenue in which to proclaim and testify what God Almighty has done in my life, but now I find that I really only want to broadcast me. My life. Period.  My friends, I've done you a disservice.

THE MOST important thing about me isn't me at all - it's the Lord.  He has been gracious to me, shown me favour, and endowed me with an ability to use words to proclaim His Name.  He has saved me, and what he requires of me is that I should tell the world about Him.

I am sorry, dear readers, for not holding to this calling. 

Don't get me wrong - I still plan on using my daily life for inspiration in my posts.  They will just be tempered by the knowledge that I am a sinner deserving death, yet I have received life through Christ.

To God be the glory.

{a savior's love} repost

I wrote this post over 4 years ago.  It touched my heart today.

There is something so precious, so mysterious about the love of Christ. Something that goes beyond the areas of understanding, calls to a part much deeper than the soul. It consumes, protects, and wipes all notions of doubt from our little minds. It's greater than faith, greater than hope. And still I hear it calling... deeper... deeper. Come to me. Find peace. Find rest for your soul. Come to me...

Those words may forever ring in my head, an endless cycle that never becomes old. It's always fresh, always a mystery. How can I know this love? How can I rest at ease if I have not explored every corner, every fold of this Majesty?

It's a journey that my flesh does not want to take. After all, I'm human, and what human can let a mystery lie unsolved? You see it in our world. TV shows of investigation, conclusion, justice. Scientists making leaps and bounds in yet another unexplored aspect of life. Information chanels, biographies, the news. We need to know. And I think that knowledge is our downfall.

But this isn't about us. This can never be about us. Love is about Christ. Love is Christ. And, this mystery, beautiful and foreign, is one that will never be solved until we bow before the throne of Christ. Until that day, I will seek to know more of this mystery as Christ has sought for me.

drum-roll, please

Okay, everyone, Judah gets weighed today.  Thanks to those who have prayed.  I'm anxious--I definitely want to see a bigger number today!  Joey and I think he's chubbed up somewhat, but I don't know if we see it because it's actually there, or because that's what we desire most in the world right now.  I'll keep you posted.

----
{update}
The results are better, but still not the best.  He only gained 3 ounces (but I don't necessarily trust the scale), which is about half of what he should be gaining.  Now I have to actually devote 99% of my time to breast feeding.  As in my baby, who takes 1 hour to eat, needs to be fed every 2 hours.  And nap times need to fit in there somehow.  And I won't let myself nurse him to sleep.  And he needs time to be stimulated by yours truly.  So, I hope husby is willing to cook and be content with myriads of dust-bunnies dust-cats, because life is nearly going to go on hold for a little while.

You know what? I'm starting to get really worn down by the bajillion different "proper" ways to raise my child.  I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

The scary thing is that I'm starting to lose faith. I don't want that.  I want to keep trusting God because I am convinced that He is the only one that actually knows the perfect parenting process.  I need to trust in Him continually.

Prayers appreciated.

oh my baby, why the fuss?

After a refreshing internet break, I am back.  Well, sort of back.  I’m only on the internet because I need to email some camp shirt designs to our printer.  But, since my internet is deathly slow and the upload will take DAYS (that might be an exaggeration), I figured I’d take the opportunity to write a short update.

Things in this crazy house have been, well, crazy lately.  At the urging of my husband, my friend, and my mom, I went on a women’s retreat a couple of weekends ago.  Judah was doted on by 20 different ladies the whole time, and HE LOVED IT.  He handled the trip way better than I expected—and by that I mean that he went to sleep without fussing every time I put him down, he slept all through the night, and he was even happy to let people other than myself hold him.  I really felt like we turned a corner in this little gaffer’s career.  Things were looking up.

Or so I thought. 

How’s that for an ominous overtone?

Judah has not been weighed in 4-5 weeks.  We just assumed that he was doing well because of how happy he’s been lately.  I mean, come on, a smiling baby is a healthy baby, right?  And those 0-3 month sleepers? Yeah, they’re totally becoming yesterday’s news.  Things MUST be going well.

God orchestrated a timely appointment for my baby boy.

Our public health nurse phoned me up two days ago and requested that Judah come in for a weight check.  Because we are without a scale (except for the Wii fit, which hasn’t seemed too appealing of a pastime lately), I was happy to drive to MacGregor for the check-up. 

Things were going well.  PHN was pleased with his interaction, his habits seemed normal, and, let’s face it, he just looks so happy!  We stripped him down to his birthday suit (sorry, bud) and set him on the scale.  I was busily cleaning up his soiled diaper when I heard it:

“You weigh 10 pounds, 1 ounce!”

“Uh…” ahem ahem, “that’s, uh, less than he was before. Yeah. Uh, 11 ounces less than he was 5 weeks ago.”  My mother’s heart was going pitter-patter, letmetellyou.  How could my baby have dropped weight? Isn’t he supposed to be growing? What in the world am I doing wrong? IS HE GOING TO DIE?!?!?

Things are so much scarier when you’re a new mom.

PHN informed me that I have not been feeding my baby enough.  Ouch.  That’s a blow.  I feel like I have been starving my baby.  I haven’t, I swear.  I’ve tried so hard to set up routine for baby, to make sure he has good long feeding times, and to get him to sleep so he gets lots and lots of z’s.  And now I find out that my best just isn’t good enough. 

So, now we’ve had to completely rearrange our schedule, which means later bed times and earlier mornings in order to accommodate more feedings in a day.  The first day was hard—my body was used to being on a 3 hour schedule, NOT a 2.5 hour schedule.  There were many frantic baby moments that day.  And many frantic mommy moments. 

It’s not going too bad now, but I’m afraid, so afraid, that my baby is still dropping.  I am finding it very difficult to trust in God when I see my tiny little son suffer.  One more week of not gaining weight, and he will have that wonderful label tacked on him: failure to thrive.  No, not my baby!

I know that having a baby is the biggest test of faith that God has ever sent my way.  I praise Him for baby daily, which means that I should also trust baby with Him daily.  I am praying that God gives me the strength, and praying that my baby boy continues to grow—to grow into a man of God. 

I’ll keep you up-to-date on his well-being.

where He leads

We were a newly-wed, deeply in love couple just starting out our life together.  Prior to marriage, the most time we had spent together (I'm talking about consecutive days) was about one week.  I hung on to each moment I had with my fiancé jealously and dreamed about the next.  When the day finally came and we were actually man and wife, the best thing of all was being able to spend as much time together as we could ever want.  What we had fought so hard for was finally ours in abundance. 

Life now revolved around us.  Completely.  For the beginning, we were okay with that.  After all, we were newly weds!  We had big things to get a start on, such as setting up our own home, getting comfortable in a new ministry position, and just plain living together. The last thing on our agenda was starting our family.

Ideally, we would wait two or three years before having a baby.  Why waste the last of our youthfulness?  Plus, everyone always seems to say "you'll never be just the two of you after you have a baby, so might as well make it last as long as possible".  Happily, we agreed.

God had different plans for us.

It was only three months into our marriage when we started to wonder about our "plans".  We started to wonder why a feeling of guilt always seemed to follow every instance of "I hope I'm not pregnant!"  We wondered if trusting in our methods of birth-control was revealing a lack of faith in God.  We wondered... and prayed. 

"What would you do if I was actually pregnant?" I would ask my husband.  He never quite knew how to answer that question.  "It would be tough, I suppose, but I know that it would be good" was generally the response he gave.  I would agree, but, silently, I would continue pondering if that was what God wanted for us at this time. 

I never really communicated my thoughts to my husband on this matter, except periodically in the aforementioned question.  The matter was always on my mind, though.  Reluctantly, I started to talk to God about it.  I knew that He would be able to make sense of my confusion.  That's where I left it.

In the spring of last year, the two of us took a little road trip to visit my parents in Saskatchewan.  Throughout the whole trip the issue was laid on my heart.  I couldn't help but allude to the grandchildren my parents would have some day in the future.  I'm pretty sure they had a feeling that something big was about to happen.  Funny, I had that feeling, too.

On our way home, Joey and I got into the topic (for the billionth time).  To my surprise, I found that he had been thinking about it as much as I had in the preceding days.  All of a sudden, we both realized that we had been living without faith that God would start our family in His time.  The Lord completely convicted us, and we felt challenged to do something about our lack of faith.

It was only about two weeks later that we knew I was pregnant.

I am so grateful that God intervened and reminded us that He is sovereign.  I would much rather willingly embrace what God has for me than go, "well, this didn't turn out right".  My Father is good.  I need to rest in His goodness.