different struggles

Baby Benjamin is one day shy of three weeks old. Time has seemed to be going by rather quickly lately, and I credit that to the semblance of routine we have managed to identify. I am now officially taking care of the (little) boys by myself, which has been quite the adjustment! Judah requires entertainment and discipline at all times, and Benjamin requires cuddles, food, and sleep at all times. I could not have two more opposite children - at least at this stage of life.

My struggles are entirely different than they were when Judah was a baby. This time around, I know how to sneak in a shower at the most impossible times (but don't ask me to tell you how), I'm able to feed myself a satisfying amount of food, and some housework is even being accomplished from time to time. Last time around, accomplishing any one of those things felt like a victory. I took months to figure out how to be "normal" while caring for a little one. This time, even with two children to look after, I feel like I'm months ahead of myself.

What I can't seem to figure out is how to relate to Judah while I'm caring for Benjamin. The latter may be a rather content baby and a good eater, but he still needs a lot of one-to-one time. I feel rather immobilized while he's attached to me. Judah, on the other hand, is struggling to come to terms with the fact that sometimes I just can't give him attention. I feel my patience wearing thin at times.

I know that no one is expecting me to have all of this figured out right away. Being new parents - or at least the parents of a new baby - is something that almost everyone looks on with compassion. The things we were able to do before may have to be put on hold. I still haven't made it over to visit all of the staff at camp yet. The thought of packing up two boys and enduring the heat just to show my face is a little bit overwhelming, and feels rather unnecessary at this time. I love our friends very much, but right now adding that expectation to ourselves is not healthy.

 For now I will be content with working out a "schedule" for this new crazy life of ours. My boys deserve consistency and love. I can't give either if I am wearing myself thin. I can't give either without leaning heavily upon God's word and trusting in His grace upon grace.