in which I am rather raw

Remember what I said yesterday about feeling like I'm months ahead of myself? Yeah.

NO. I am not.

I had two good days, but I need to be honest and not pretend I have everything together. The truth is that breastfeeding is still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It is excruciating to feed Benjamin when I have gaping WOUNDS on the important parts - not just cracks. And, no matter what I try, they won't heal. Pumping and nursing shields do nothing to help, either. I am certain Judah feels neglected because of the time I spend nursing Benjamin, and I'm also certain it can't be pleasant to taste blood in one's breast milk.

I went for a walk yesterday, and it really did feel good to get out of the house. Granted, it was still stressful to be toting around two children, but at least it was a change in scenery. I know people at camp wonder why they are only seeing Benjamin for the first time at three weeks old. But, what do you know? Having an 18 month old and a newborn is hard!

Today I'm getting a mini-break and taking Benjamin into the city for a check-up. Judah will be with his Nana, and I will at least get a long stretch of road to think and pray. Hopefully I'll also get some help from  my midwife. At this rate, I don't know how I can keep this up much longer (the breastfeeding, that is).

I don't want anyone to read this blog and think I'm trying to hide the reality of life. It's fun to post the happy things that happen day to day, but sometimes you just need to let your hair down and give the facade a break.