why breastfeeding makes me nervous

This post is meant to clarify some things in the previous one. The reason I am so jittery about breastfeeding lies in how things went with Judah a mere 17 months ago. Things seemed to be going really well. Well, apart from the fact that he took constant poking and prodding to actually stay awake and eat. He was a bit fussy between feedings, but I convinced myself that he was just naturally a discontent baby. He ate every 2.5-3 hours and was even sleeping through the night, more or less. Wasn't that a good sign? Wouldn't he wake up if he was hungry?

Sadly, my little baby boy was slowly being starved. We only realized it when we compared one weigh in to another five weeks before. He had lost 11 ounces over five weeks. Ideal weight gain for babies is 2 ounces a day. I was mortified to find out the truth. I took the blame completely and beat myself up about it. I was firmly told that I had to feed him every two hours no matter what. 10-12 feedings! That's what babies need!

I was immediately stressed out by this new schedule. My body had been producing milk for a 3 hour schedule for so long that I was certain Judah was not getting enough when he ate every two hours. I resorted to leaving him on the breast for a minimum of an hour at a time. It felt like there was no break between feedings. I was so extremely sore and stressed. Judah also required constant stimulation to keep eating. Sometimes he would even become frantic at the breast. I was certain he was not getting enough. Sure enough, the scale proved it.

Joey and I decided to purchase a breast pump so that we could monitor how much Judah was eating. As I had suspected, I produced a disappointingly small amount of milk. I kept up with it as often as I could, but the stress was becoming too much. One thing I know about my body is that when it is stressed, it kind of shuts down. I lose weight. I feel sick. I vomit. After finding about Judah's lack of weight gain, I knew my body would also slow it's milk production. We were forced to start supplementing, which didn't actually alleviate any of the stress. I felt so much guilt for not being able to provide for my baby. I had to force myself to stay away from breastfeeding forums where proud women boldly declared that formula was harmful and there should never be a reason for a woman to have to start supplementing. It just hurt so bad to read those words and hear "you've failed!" ringing through my mind. That guilt plus the fact that I wasn't feeding Judah as often equaled a "game over" for my milk production.

Thus the jitters. I am so scared of a repeat performance. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the past, but it's so hard when it is still so fresh in my mind. Benjamin is an entirely different baby than Judah, and his habits look nothing like his brother's. I'm pretty sure he is getting enough and there is nothing to worry about. But worry I must, it seems. I am slightly encouraged, however, because Benjamin needs very little prodding to keep eating, if any. He seems a lot more interested in the whole affair than Judah did. The feedings seem much less grueling than how I recall Judah's feedings to feel.

There is so much to praise God for. I just need to remember that in every moment (which is very hard to do in the moment, by the way) and not let my over-thinking brain get involved. My mom gave me a very wonderful prescription last night: take a vacation from your problems.* Very good advice, is it not? I think I might even try it. Now to figure out which aisle of the pharmacy to find that in...

*If you have not yet seen What About Bob?, you totally need to get your hands on it. It will make you feel much better about life. ;)