one moment at a time

I’m going to be honest. This is hard.

Learning to care for a new baby (who is entirely different than my first baby) is hard.
Breastfeeding is still painful and still hard.
Trying to deal with my new fluctuating (to the power of 100) emotions is hard.
Saying “goodbye” to my husband by 7:30 every morning and possibly not saying “hello” until 11:30 PM is hard. So very, very hard.
Waiting until I get to my breaking point to call him and beg him to come home is hard.
Thinking about having to (eventually) take care of two children is hard.
Finding time to read the Word is hard.
Wanting to read the Word is even harder.
Not getting overwhelmed is impossibly hard.

I have had so many ups and downs in these last two days. Like I said, breastfeeding is painful. I know it’s not supposed to be, but when you are bruised, cracked, and bleeding and your baby’s hunger doesn’t allow time for healing, it’s bound to hurt. It got so bad yesterday that I almost gave up on it altogether. How could I keep it up when all it brought was frustration and pain? Then I prayed about it. It was a rather silly prayer, or felt rather silly to pray. And then? Well, I happened to find a website that was full of videos of babies feeding at the breast. I then picked up my child. Latched him on perfectly. Felt no pain. Saw him eating in a way that I knew Lactation Consultants would label as “good” to “very good”. That’s what I call an “up” – and an answer to prayer!

Then this morning we decided to go to church. With my new latching skills, I was able to feed the Bundle satisfactorily and with enough time for us to get to church on time. I even had a good hair day. He slept all through the service. And, goodness, I was actually in church for once! I’ve really been missing it. Another “up” for me!

Joey’s been back at work since about 2:00. It’s now 6:30, and I’ve had a fairly good day. At least it’s good when I don’t think, “Is Ben eating enough? Is his jaundice going away?” and then start to count how many feedings he’s had in a day and realize that there’s no way I’ll be able to get him up to 12… or even 10. And, by the way, why do “they” tell you that it’s normal for babies to eat every 2-3 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours at night, but then also tell you that they should eat 10-12 times a day? There are very few combinations that can get your baby up to that golden number of 10, and even fewer that add up to 12. Also, does that little snack he just did before he dropped off to a deep sleep count as a feeding? This is why I go insane. My mind. It does not shut off. Not for a mo.

So now I’m faced with this long evening ahead. Ben is sleeping in the other room. Do I wake him at that precious two-hour mark just to make sure he gets enough food? If I let him sleep now, will I get more than a two hour stretch at night? And when do I officially start the night? Do I wait until Joey comes home at 11:30 (blah), or start it earlier and make Joey’s sleep more disturbed than it needs to be? Do I wait until I’m in tears to ask him to come home to help, or do I ask him to stay now even if it may not be a dire need of mine?

I hope you, readers, can see the obvious answer to all of this. I have to stop living in the unknown and take the moment by the horns. Moment by moment, I know I need to choose to do what most honours God. I need to trust Him for strength at every turn and realize that He is fully capable of supplying it. It’s just so. hard. I can’t trust my own strength, or even the strength of my husband to get me through. I can’t depend on Joey being home to get me through the day.

If you think of it, pray for me. Actually, pray for all new mothers that you know. Maybe they don’t find this as hard as I have, but I am still convinced that motherhood is not something we should take lightly. In one moment a woman can go from fine and dandy to completely beside herself in despair. Pray that those who are children of God will cling to Him like never before, and pray that those who don’t know Him will seek and find Him.

One day moment at a time. That is where the battles are fought. That is where I sink or swim. That is where He is strong.