crashing

I've been attempting to cope with the stresses of preparing for a new baby, moving, and maintaining an orderly home all on my own effort. I've been trying to understand circumstances through my own biased vision. I've been relying on sleep and food for the energy I need to make it through the day. I've been waiting for the moment I feel like opening God's word to actually do it.

I've been running myself dry.

I feel frazzled, disoriented, unmotivated, and exhausted. Clutter around me is completely overwhelming my desire to do things. People and the mere thought of being around lots of them makes me feel all panicy inside. I just want to curl up into a ball and pretend the world doesn't exist. 

But it does - in a big way. It exists in a child needing me to fulfill his basic needs at all times. It exists in my dust-bunny overrun, empty house and in my fresh, vinyl-y smelling new one that needs to be unpacked. It exists in the husband who loves me and shoulders the load when I can't make myself do it. It exists in the need I know he has for love and affection. It exists in the wiggly child nestled in my womb that depends on me to keep myself healthy. 

"You just need some time to yourself!" is what I expect to hear from people around me. It's what I automatically think when the world becomes too much and I need OUT. I readily agree. 

But here I am, completely alone in a big, quiet house, and I know I'm far from being healed. I'm trying to heal myself, but all I'm doing is treating disease with disease.

I need Jesus. I need to sit at his feet. I need to spend time immersing myself in ancient Scriptures that point to a God who is greater than all and sovereign over all things. I need to get out of this slough and realize that a lifeline to safety does nothing if it comes from the one who's drowning. I need my God every day, every hour, every breath. I have tasted salvation - I know the sweet, sweet breath of life. But, here I am, choking down putrid draughts of worldly slime.

Instead of coping with my stress, I will present my anxieties to God by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving. Instead of scrutinizing situations out of my own limited understanding, I will look at all under the brilliant light of God's Word. Instead of living on bread alone, I will live on every word that procedes from the mouth of God. Instead of waiting for my murderous flesh to desire life, I will choose Life daily.

I've been running myself dry, but now I know that God will fill the one who seeks Him.