on marriage

our engagement photo

I haven't been that open about my marriage on this blog, except for the passing remark on how fabulous my husband is. It could give the impression that Joey and I are above average in today's society, dealing with very little hardship as a couple. In truth, we struggle just as much as any other couple out there.

If you know me or have stuck around this blog for a while, you probably know that Joey and I were long-distance sweethearts pretty much up until we got married. It's commonly thought that a couple shouldn't get married until they've had a really good fight - just to see how they come through it. I suppose it's one way to test the waters for marriage. That's something neither Joey nor I had the opportunity to experience before we were wed. We were always in harmony together, seeking to put the Lord first in our relationship before each other. There were times of slight miscommunication, but no fights. Neither of us felt the need to greedily hold to our selfish desires. We gave them up for the sake of the other person. So, without so much as a quarrel, we pledged our lives to one another. That was not a mistake.

It's often said that the first year of marriage is one of the hardest a couple will ever experience together. Again, I found this statement to be inaccurate - so long as we were living in obedience to God's word and showing deference to the other person. Our first year was one of great change and new experience (hello, moving four times and getting pregnant after three months of marriage), but our desire to live for the Lord and honour the other person made it one of the most beautiful years of my life.

Now, as we're well into our second year of marriage, things are looking a bit different. And, as much as I am loathe to do it, I need to take responsibility for my actions. It's not that we really fight, but that the driving passion to keep our relationship focussed on God and submissive to each other has been buried under the hullabaloo of life. When we were newly wed, we thrilled to make marriage the most beautiful experience imaginable. It was easy to lay aside my desires for the sake of my husband's. It was something I longed to do, something I looked for every opportunity to fulfill. But, slowly, pride has settled into my heart. 

Pride comes in so many devious forms! It can materialize in the mindset that Joey has his life at work while I live mine at home. It takes root when I think "we've got this marriage thing all worked out" and make no efforts to continue to grow in it. It sinks its claws in when I justify my actions by reasoning that my over-sensitivity and bent to vent is the natural response to Joey's easy-going, hesitant nature. A man and wife are not supposed to fit together because they bring what the other lacks to the table. They are supposed to compliment each other's nature and spur each other on through word and deed. And, unfortunately for me and my big mouth, that does not justify my ability to run on while Joey remains silent. On the contrary, my actions pull him down rather than build him up. 

I know a lot of women get more than a little offended by passages of Scripture that suggest a woman is supposed to be submissive to her husband (ie "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" Colossians 3:18.). That word, indeed, does create some unwanted associations. It seems like such a blunt and thoughtless command. It seems like a woman is required to subdue her character in order to please her husband. What many don't realize is that this particular command comes after a beautiful passage of Scripture in which the author instructs both men and women to clothe themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness, and love. We are instructed to let the peace of Christ dwell in us and to admonish one another, giving thanks to God. All of these things actually serve to enhance one's God-given character, not subdue it. A wife submitting to her husband as God intends is practicing all of these beautiful things out of love and respect for her husband. As much as we women would like to be seen as independent and self-sufficient, our husbands have God-given responsibility and authority over us. They are not told to be dictators, however. They are given a command to love and not be harsh. A husband leading his wife as God intends is clothing himself in all the aforementioned qualities out of love and respect for his wife. It's not a case of "If he loves me, then I'll respect him"or "if she respects me, I'll love her". That mindset will never work out. It is experiential, fleeting, and faulty. It will lead to the death of a godly marriage.

Guys, I'm not writing this because I'm perfect. This has been a journey into Scripture for me. Last night I succumbed to my selfish desires and lashed out at my husband - mostly with stony silence mingled with a few well-aimed blows. I don't even know why I did it, except that I was not obeying God and refusing to cloth myself with love. I wanted to be right about something (and what that something was, I don't even know). I wanted a fight. I tried my best to draw him out, to pique his manly arrogance and feel justified for acting catty. I was so, so wrong to do so. What I needed to do was submit my selfish desires over to God - but that's the last thing I wanted to do. By submitting to God, I would have also chosen to submit to my husband. I was avoiding the real problem in my own heart and attempting to project it onto him. I was simply horrible.

I guess what I'm getting at is that any marital strife I've experienced in this marriage always boils down to whom I choose to serve. Will I choose myself, or my God? It may sound silly, but it's something that has to be decided anew EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I feel like I should set an alarm each morning just so I can sit alone, bow my heart before God, and put on all of those qualities listed in Colossians 3. I must choose God. In doing so, I will without a doubt submit to my husband. I will love him correctly, in all purity. It is the only way this marriage will glorify God.

Marriage is truly a beautiful thing. The union of two people does not just exist in the signing of a contract, but in the actual transformation of two people into one flesh. Please, do not neglect God's commands concerning it. They are there for your good.