"If the baby doesn't come out on this push, I'm going to have to cut you", my midwife warned, carefully assessing the situation and the level to which I had already exerted myself. If she had meant that to motivate me, it most certainly did the trick. With all of the force I had in my weary body, I pushed - willing that my child come into the world, making it happen. A wave of relief shuddered through my body as my child came forth, and I heard the precious, garbled cry of my new son.
My son. In that awesome, excruciating moment, I had become a mother.
Before he was born, I had done much speculation on what it was to be a mother. I reasoned that I already was a mother at heart, which was somewhat true. I thought I knew how hard labour would be, and how infinitely harder the first weeks after would be. I thought motherhood would come to me naturally - isn't that how it works? Instinct kicks in, and you just know how to care for your child.
If I thought these things would be easy once I became a mother, I couldn't have been more wrong. Giving birth was much more difficult than even I could imagine it to be, and the exhaustion that followed was greater than anything I've ever known. I found that, although I loved my son dearly and definitely wanted to do the best thing for him, I didn't automatically know what that thing was. My instinct was to love, but I was so unsure of how to do it properly. An hour or so after he was born, when Joey and I were incapacitated from the hours of adrenaline that had just passed, my baby boy began whimpering in his plastic bassinet. I thought all he needed was comfort, but, being physically unable to lift myself from the bed to retrieve him, I resorted to simply resting my hand on his head and speaking soft words to him. In the morning (a mere two hours later) I was questioned as to why I had not fed him yet. In that moment I experienced the first blow of what would grow to be a long battle in mommy guilt.
I fell asleep while nursing him again. His jaundice won't go away. I'm not producing enough milk for him. He's been losing weight and I didn't even notice. He's been hungry this whole time, and I did not feed him. I shouldn't have tried to feed him on a schedule. We have to start supplementing because my body is incapable of providing for him - what will people think? Everyone now thinks I'm feeding him too much. I yelled at him in a moment of desperation. I can't keep a house with a baby to look after. I am failing my husband.
I have thought all of these things - and more - on many, many occasions. Each one brings a wave of guilt that has the ability to completely beat me to the dust. After all, what am I worth if I can't fulfill one of the most basic functions of a woman?
Oh, friends, how destructive and deceitful is this line of thinking. How hurtful it is to believe that if a woman struggles in mothering a child and keeping a home, she is worthless. Let me be clear on this: the desire and passion to be a mother might be burning through your veins, but how to live out that role is not something that will come naturally. It has to be learned - learned through many mistakes and unexpected victories, often through trial and error. And, friends, it is best handled at the footstool of Christ.
How does one acquire knowledge? By reading books? observing others who have done it before? asking for advice? All of these things may lead you to some answers and solutions, but they are oftentimes only temporary fixes to your confidence as a mother. There's also the fact that all children are different. What may work wonders for one mother could possibly spell disaster for you and your child. There is, simply put, no perfect method of parenting. That is why I am encouraging you to look to the cross. Look to the amazing sacrifice of Christ and live your life in light of what He's done for you. Bring everything to the Lord in prayer and trust in His promise to work things together for good. Trust in His sovereignty. Immerse your mind in scripture daily. Live your life by the word of God. You may not get an answer to your question about your little one's digestion, but you can be sure to find strength to stand when that familiar chill of mommy guilt sets in - because it will try to sink it's teeth into you at every turn if you put your confidence in yourself.
As I contemplate how life will look like having a newborn and a toddler under two years of age, I have two options: either worry about how I'm going to cope with the physical, spiritual, and emotional turmoil that come with bearing a child and fret over my incompetency, OR trust that God will provide all of my needs and bow my knee before His almighty throne, knowing that in my weakness HE is strong.
Again, I do not write these things because I am a fully competent mother who's got everything worked out. I definitely do not have anything "worked out". I went to sleep last night completely wracked with fear for our baby-on-the-way and plagued with guilt in regards to our toddling son. It was a miserable place to be. I beat myself up almost daily for my failings in the home. But, deep within me, I know that I know that I know I am avoiding the One who has promised to take my cares and anxieties in exchange for the peace that passes all understanding. I am refusing to believe that my identity is found in Him and placing it in my feeble attempts to be something special. Friends, this is leading me down a road that only leads to destruction, as it will lead anyone who refuses God's grace.
To those who are preparing to welcome a baby into the family, I say that the only way to prepare yourself for the roller coaster called "motherhood" is to cultivate in yourself a heart after God. To those struggling with the all-surpassing mommy guilt that threatens to overrun, I say cast your cares upon the Lord. Allow Him to be the strength in your life. Bring everything before Him in prayer, and be covered by His grace.
