Judah runs up to me with dirt on his finger. He's scooped it out of the open window sill. I don't know why he has this fascination with dirt, except that he's a little boy. Don't all little boys love dirt? Before I can stop it, the finger is sucked clean of it's coating. "We don't eat dirt, Judah. Dirt is yucky." Somehow, I don't think he's convinced. I am grateful it was just dirt collected from our over-zealous wind and not raw chicken... or whatever. Not that he's ever eaten raw chicken.... Ahem.

***

We're at the zoo. The big little has done well with being confined to a stroller most of the afternoon, but now he wants OUT. We let him loose and he stomps around on the pavement in glee. Daddy tries to grab his hand to guide the little rampager, but he will have none of it. Yanking his hand from bondage, he propels himself to freedom... and a face-plant. A bloody lip, lots of tears, and many tender words later, he's back in his stroller, content to be pushed around once again.

***

Two suitcases sit in the middle of the living room, half-packed for our Autumn holidays. Judah thinks they are there solely for his amusement. He pushes them over, climbs them, and then gets in a huff because they are too heavy to set upright again. I give him that look that says "you brought this on yourself", and the whining stops. With a mighty effort, he lifts them up again. Then he chants at them in victory.

***

I'm nursing Benjamin on the far end of the couch. Judah is playing at the other end. He really struggles with the concept of "couches are for sitting on". This is made apparent when he stands up on the arm rest and belly flops onto the cushions. It's all fun and games... except that he happened to head-butt Benjamin in the process. Baby is screaming. Judah doesn't understand what just happened. I think pain is a completely foreign concept to him. I ask him to say "sorry". He smiles, pats his chest "please!" and says "Orry." Sorry might also be a foreign concept.

***

Benjamin is laying contentedly on his play mat, staring at the strange smiling star that plays music above him. I'm grabbing a moment to myself and perusing the internets mindlessly. When I look up, I see Judah laying beside his brother, looking up at the same star, and holding his hand gently. My heart, once again, fills to overflowing.

of picnics, hikes, and black and white

Today we decided to make the most of the beautiful weather we've been blessed with lately. Joey and I planned a picnic lunch and invited our friends (and relatives) Jordan and Michelle to a provincial park to hang out with us. We had some tasty sandwiches (with homemade French bread!), pasta and cucumber salads, cookies, and juice. Then we set off down the beaten path...

...except that the beaten path was a *little* bit mucky. And by a little I mean a LOT. It turns out pushing a stroller through wet clay is a little bit difficult, and going around said clay is almost more difficult when navigating through bush with no clear path and a lot of dead fall. We prevailed, however, and came out the other end tired (hello, 5.3 km!), but unscathed. I wore Benjamin in my Panda Pocket carrier (similar to the Moby Wrap or the CuddlyWrap), and he nestled in like a bug in a rug and slept the whole time. My body is now reminding me that I did, in fact, give birth 7.5 weeks ago and I am out of shape. 

Joey went to look at the pictures he had snapped when we got back to our vehicle and realized that he had been shooting in black & white mode almost the entire time. At first it was a bit disappointing because the Fall colours are so beauteous! But, after going through the lot of them, we realized that black and white landscape photography can be really, really awesome!

Biblical motherhood

photo credit

I’ve been struggling to keep a clear perspective on what exactly my role is as a mother and a Christian. Some days it feels like I just “get” how this is all supposed to work. I feel like I am thriving in the role God has placed me in. Other days… well, let’s just say it’s more of a struggle. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep up on the daily grunge (yes, grunge. Diapers, dishes, and laundry are most definitely grunge) of life and still be serving God’s purpose.

I was given a book quite a while ago entitled “Passionate Housewives Desperate for God”. I even mentioned it here once. I started reading it back then, but kind of forgot about it. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to read it at the time. Whatever the case, it sat on my shelf undisturbed for many, many months. Tonight that changed. I’m only a couple chapters in, but the following paragraph kind of hit me between the eyes.

“Biblical motherhood means sacrifice, selfless love, and faithful dedication. It means we’re there with our families – body, mind, and spirit. To recognize our purpose in motherhood ,we must see the godly generations beyond our own children (Genesis 24:60, Deuteronomy 4:9, 7:9). This means denying ourselves (Matthew 16:25) and being consumed with God and His love for us. It means starting each morning on our face in repentance and thanksgiving, pleading for His grace and for the strength to glorify Him in our daily endeavors. It means loving God more than we love our children – and consequently, He will equip us to truly love them and prepare us to serve them through Christ our Lord. It means impacting future generations by our faithfulness now.”

This is what I needed to hear (or read, in this case). It’s a tall order, to be sure, but in light of what Christ has done for me, I should delight to complete it. This thing? This thing we call MOTHERHOOD and being a SAHM? It is BIG, and it will impact not only our own children, but the generations to come. Of course it’s going to be hard. But, in the midst of it all, those who call on the name of the Lord can rest assured that He will supply all of their needs – He has already supplied them. We need to put our confidence in Him.

because I just can't get enough

this little dude

is no longer a little dude. He weighs 1.5 ounces short of 12 pounds. He has grown 3.25 inches in six weeks and five days. He is... how do you say? thriving. 


Praise God! After all of the struggles we had with the Cuteness when he was this little, I was praying for a different experience this time. This little chunker is definitely an answer to prayer. :)

I make lists now. Lists are cool.

This afternoon was full of many happies.

• Benjamin and I had nearly a two-hour nap together on the bed. I love watching him fall asleep.
• I sat outside in a lawn chair on top of a lofty hill overlooking the prairies below with the sun warming my back while the cool fall breeze made every breath invigorating. Judah was chasing grasshoppers and Benjamin was breastfeeding happily. Joey and I sat and talked. It was pure bliss.
• Benjamin spent quite a bit of time smiling and squealing at himself in a mirror this afternoon. Death by cute.
• Joey made delicious stir fry for supper that was full of healthy leafy greens.
• There is a gorgeous rainbow outside my window right now .

How wonderful weekends are!

a rare glimpse of the elusive six-week smile

Ain't it grand?

I've got my love to keep me warm!

Blustery days like today are great for:

• soups 
• baking
• naps
• hot cocoa 
• photo shoots

Check, my next task, check, plan to, and check (with proof!).

and, to top it all off, it's finally FALL!

This week has been a very happy one. Judah is on this major learning kick, which means he is spending most of his days looking at books and identifying what things are. First you'll hear him quacking, meowing, mooing, or neighing emphatically, and then he'll try to pronounce what he sees (that's Duh! Cah! Cow! Hoss! - not to mention POPPY!). He's becoming quite the little conversationalist. At supper yesterday he was trying very hard to convince us why he should not eat the salad set before him. The problem with trying to be firm with a toddler is that sometimes they are just so FUNNY and you can't keep a straight face. Judah had me in tears last night from his hilarity.

Other happies this week include my first real attempt to use my sewing machine. Unlike the majority of the North American world, I did not have the opportunity to take Home Economics in school. My sewing machine is a mysterious creature that I have had the challenge of getting to know without any help. I have mastered the skill of making it jam. I have also broken the reverse switch. But, besides all that, I am seeing why sewing is such a great hobby. I am almost finished my very first project (a ring sling carrier) and the pride I feel having accomplished something useful is a little embarrassing. It's not like I've made a wedding dress or anything... but! This double-layered strip of fabric? I MADE IT!

Benjamin is six weeks old today! He's not quite up to saying words yet, but he is starting to make cute little cooing sounds. He's also smiling much more freely. His play mat is pretty much his favourite thing in the world... besides the obvious. His head is still relatively bald, and so are his eyebrows. He's a little soother baby, which is kind of a relief. He's also got the hang of this whole breastfeeding thing as of late. I'm finally healing up, and he's finally latching and sucking nice and deep. Oh, and he's GROWING. He is currently sporting a 3-6 month sleeper... that fits him right now and probably won't for much longer. He's just so long!

And now my presence is required by one of my children - the little bald one.

PS - this is what milk does to him.

wordless wednesday - it's all about the eyes

right at this moment

Today is blustery and a delicious 13 degrees. I am doing warm things like baking buns and doing laundry. The buns are for pulled pork (which is actually more like shredded pork, but still delish) that Joey spearheaded yesterday. Benjamin is sleeping in his bouncer, which is currently perched on top of our kitchen table for best viewing capabilities (for both him and myself). Judah just finished a nap that was more than an hour and a half long and is jabbering away in his crib. He is likely to spend the rest of the day looking at books and throwing toys everywhere - at least it's better than digging in cupboards. Joey will be home at five o'clock, and we will get to spend the whole evening together as a family. I'm contemplating getting started on my Christmas shopping/crafting already. I'm going to attempt sewing my own ring sling for little Benjamin. I am slipper-wearing, sweat-pants-lounging, and pony-tail-sporting. I am thankful that it's unofficially Fall.

bring on the chub!

If you think that babies gaining weight is just about the only thing I find exciting these days, YOU ARE SO RIGHT. Who doesn't love baby pudge and the way their little rolls squish under your lips? Not one human being, I say.

That being said, I must inform you that Benjamin gained almost a whole pound this week (again!). He is getting so big! I'm thinking it's time to upgrade to the 3-6 month size already because his little toesies are so very hard put. His torso is also almost too long for me to button up his onesies. Judah's never really had this problem. He got really rolly polly around six months old, but he was popping buttons because of his girth and not his length.

Speaking of Judah, he's quite the stellar big brother. He likes to help me burp the baby (although I must always monitor how "gentle" he is patting him), find his soothie, bring him blankets, and rock him in his bouncer when he's crying. I found him trying to pick him up yesterday. I thought it was cute, but had to nip the intention in the bud because, hello, TODDLER + FIVE-WEEK-OLD is a frightening thought. I mean, it's one thing to pick up a kitten by the neck and entirely different thing to pick up a baby in like fashion.

cooking adventures

Yesterday I attempted to make supper. Joey had said something about making curry, and I had the brilliant idea of making naan to go with it. When I told him about my lofty ambition, he sweetly suggested I try making the curry as well. Instead of shying away and letting the trained cook take the responsibility (like usual), I said to myself, "Self, you can do this!" Armed with a very vague text message from Joey on how to do it, I set off.

It went pretty well for the first hour and a half. I had the naan dough rising in no time, and I (more or less) figured out what to throw in our dutch oven - which is fabulous, btw. Then 4:30 hit... and I suddenly found myself pumping milk with one hand while simultaneously wrangling a toddler, pacifying a baby, and stirring a pot. The sky? was nearly falling at that point.

And then. Then! My husband came home from work early! Together we got things back under control. He peeled the shrimp for me (why we bought shrimp with the shell on, I'll never know), and I threw the naan on the grill. The curry was coming together nicely, the rice was on the boil, and I felt a huge sense of accomplishment.

The thing is? I have never made curry before. I have a huge fear of cooking for my husband because I am so insecure in my cooking abilities. I am too proud to be vulnerable before him in that way. That's something I have made very little progress on in these 2.5 years of marriage. So, last night was a victory of sorts. I conquered my fear and shut out the voices that said "you can't!". Somehow I did it with two littles running around. The bigger little may or may not have devastated the living room while I was preoccupied, but I'll never tell. ;)

wordless wednesday

normalizing

Things around here are starting to get back to normal... or at least feel more normal. Judah is adjusting, Benjamin is growing, and altogether it just makes for a really great time. 

See?

I love my boys!

just peachy

I've kind of been avoiding blogging because the only thing that's going to come off this keyboard is a sob story about breastfeeding. It's true. Things have not been going the best. What I am really thankful for is that Benjamin is continuing to gain a good amount of weight - that in and of itself is what keeps me going. The problem is that I am in so much pain when he sucks. Latching on makes me want to scream, and the rest of it is kind of like Chinese water torture. My midwife was shocked that things hadn't gotten better over the last week, but she doesn't think I have thrush. So, this week I'm attempting to pump everything Benjamin eats. It's kind of scary to me to risk getting him hooked on the bottle, but what else can I do? I could buy one of those fandancy bottles that cost a small fortune, but I hate the thought of getting barely any use out of it before it's tossed to the storage pile. I'm also not convinced I can't pump as much as Benjamin can suck from the breast. At any rate, this is what I'm doing and I hope it helps.

As far as the rest of life goes, things are just peachy. We have our bi-weekly small group tonight, which is always such an awesome challenge and encouragement - not to mention wonderful fellowship! Joey also has had three whole days off, thanks to this concept called weekends and the even better one known as long weekends. We spent time with his family, watched the Roughriders slaughter the Bombers (woot!), and simply enjoyed being a family of four. Oh, and we really enjoyed the nice, cool weather!

And now I will let these pictures dictate the rest of this post.

I am loving the doubles seat on our Phil&Teds stroller. While one is safely snuggled under here...

...the other can enjoy the scenery up here! (He is unhappy in this picture because he was playing with sand and  then had to suffer the sensation of dirty hands for the whole walk.

Benjamin is becoming ever so more alert these days! What do you expect for a ONE MONTH OLD?

Judah thinks our rocking chair is a horse. 

musings on a Friday morning

Parenting - and parenting well - is tough stuff.

Often it's truly enjoyable watching my boys grow up and change, but there are moments... moments when Judah is choosing to disobey because he knows I'm "trapped" under a nursing baby. Moments when I know Benjamin has had a good, full feeding, and yet he's acting frantic and unsatisfied. Moments when all I'm trying to do is grab a bite to eat and both children are desperately trying to get me to give them some one-on-one attention. Moments when I manage to get the stroller down our treacherous steps on my own and get a 31 pound toddler strapped in while wearing a baby, and then said baby absolutely refuses to be satisfied in the carrier.

Then there are the golden moments - like when Judah practically ASKS for a nap, Ben is sleeping in his bouncer, and I'm able to make supper AND dessert for when Joey gets home from work. Or when Judah just can't help but kiss Benjamin's fuzzy head - and keep kissing it and kissing it and kissing it. Or when Benjamin is eating well and I'm happily watching my husby chase Judah around, the latter filling the air with ecstatic giggles.

I have to keep in mind that this season of life is short, although sometimes it feels like a moment can last a lifetime. My toddler is simply learning how to relate to and function independently in a very big world. And breastfeeding, although painful and tedious at this point, will not last long. In the not so distant future I will wonder how my baby boy ever fit into my arms like he does now. Pretty soon it will be winter, the beautiful season of fall will have been too short, and we'll be bundling up the littles to play in the snow on Christmas day.

Joey and I took a detour to the park on one of our "necessity trips" into town. There was a lady there who had a five and seven year old (the five-year-old was a very, VERY friendly little girl), and she seemed anything BUT happy to be where she was. She barked at her son. She focused her attention on her cell phone. She didn't even crack a smile. She didn't even care that her daughter was sharing waaaaaaaay too much information with complete strangers. (Thankfully, it was my husband (who was not encouraging the conversation) and not some creep-o). It seemed like, somewhere along the way, she had taken a wrong-turn in life  and loathed where she had ended up.

I don't want to be the mom in the park that barks at her children, that refuses to see the beauty in the moment, in her children. I want to smile more than I frown, laugh more than I lash out. I want to rely on God's providing hand more than I run on my own feeble strength.

Parenting is, indeed, tough stuff, but, by God's grace, we'll come through the refiner's fire as pure gold.

rando