It's a little late for me to begin posting, but I feel compelled to type nonetheless...

As I sit here, pondering what to say, I happen to glance out the window to my left to see a hooded figure directly across the street from me. I quickly shut off the moniter of my computer lest I be seen by the mysterious man. I peek my head above the windowsill, just enough so that only my eyes and nose are showing. I watch him... He seems nervous and preoccupied. He jumps down from the steps of the house and stands at the edge of the sidewalk, facing the street (and, if he had looked up, directly facing me!). His quick, repetative glances left to right tell me that he's waiting for someone, something. He's on the guard, trying very hard to be in control of his surroundings, although I can't help but feel as I watch him that he knows something much bigger is in control, something much darker than this dimly lit block of the hood. A moment later and he's bounding back up the steps and into the house, leaving the door wide open in the night. He emerges shortly, holding something that I cannot see, and returns to his sentinal position. He looks left, he looks right, and I can't help but follow his gaze. I see no one, nothing in the darkness. I almost jump when I look back to him, for another shrouded character has joined him at his post. His back is to me, and the two engage in a short, animated conversation, during which the object procured by the sentinal is passed to the messenger. I know he's a messenger of some sort because the sentinal points to the left as if instructing or warning the other. For a brief, hair-raising moment, I feel eyes on me and fear that I've been spotted in my perch. I duck, hiding, fearful of reprecussions. To my relief, the two carry on, and I can watch again without worry. Their conversation abruptly ended, the messenger puts his head down and takes off to the left at a brisk pace--but not lending to an image of fear. He, too, wills to be in control of his environment. The sentinal goes back to the house, looks over his shoulder one last time, left and right, and then disappears inside. The street is left in it's empty silence once more, and I feel strangely alone.

After watching this confusing scene unfold, it strikes me that I can be so close to a world of such darkness, and yet so removed from it. Here in this house, I feel completely safe, almost untouchable. Whether or not that is a dangerous attitude, I do not know. If I had seen anything of the sort even a year ago, it would have led to penetrating thoughts of fear. Now I see the horror in the world around me, and I am not afraid. No, I'm not at the point where I am willing to walk out into that danger, but knowing it exists holds no horror for me now. It is not man who is my enemy (Eph. 6:12)...

I would write more on this topic, but it is dark, and I know all too well that only the Lord deserves to be dwelt upon. Even though this world is enslaved to a sin far too great to be properly discerned by man, I know the One who holds the key to death and Hades (Rev. 1:18). In Him alone will I put my trust.

the countdown is on...

chapter one: another chapter written

I am now officially done my first semester of college. I wrote my last exam today and managed to pull off an A-. Oh, I am so glad it's over. I felt so strange after I realized that I had no more work to do... it was almost like I was in shock. I've been like that all day. I'm neither here nor there, and I am definitely not feeling very sociable.

This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks ever! I am never confident that I will do well on any exam--I'm such a worrier! (Just so you know, I despise the term "worry wart". It's disgusting!) Now that the stress is gone, I'm just sad. I'm sad that life is going on and I'm growing up. I want to stay a kid and look forward to summer vacation all year until that antsy, nail-biting moment when you walk out of that school and think, "I'm free!" Unfortunately, I passed that stage a long time ago.

There's a certain concept of freedom that kids are able to understand, but adults never can. I want to spend the rest of my life soaking up the company of those I love, but I can't do that... Maybe I shouldn't be writing this while I'm in the depths of home-sickness!

Do you remember being a child during summer vacation? Falling asleep to the sound of crickets, the gentle wind blowing a cool breeze across your face from the open window, then waking up suddenly in what seems like seconds later from the intruding crash of thunder. Running bare-foot through cold grass, getting dizzy on the merry-go-round, touching the clouds while daddy gives you an "under-duck" on the swing. Nervously clutching your pillow at camp as you peer into the stuffy cabin that you will be your home for a week, pretending that you're "a big kid now" while saying goodbye to mommy, but not being quite sure how you'll cope without her.

Hmmm... there is a certain youthful joy that I miss when I remember the days of my childhood. Now I'm all misty-eyed because I know that I will never get to live them again.

Well, I suppose there is no sense in longing for the days that have passed. 48 hours from now I will be home, enjoying a tiny little piece of time with my family that won't be stolen by work or school or anything of the sort. I will jealously cling to this time that God has given me!

See you soon.

It's been a while...

Hello to all who read my blog. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I actually didn't think it had been that long until I actually looked at the date of my last post .

Much has gone on in the last three weeks! I have been incredibly busy with writing papers, reading books, and going to end-of-semester parties. There have been so many demands on my time. Too much, I fear. I hardly have time to breathe, it seems. Now I find myself 15 hours away from my first of five final exams--what am I doing sitting at a computer, I ask myself. I don't even know how to answer that right now.

Yesterday I had the unpleasant experience of catching the flu. I think it's still lingering, and it has made me quite miserable! I've been homesick for the last two weeks, and this sickness is the icing on the cake. I want to go home! I want to be with my family and enjoy this warm weather. As good as it is to be here, I desire to be with those I love.

I've been contemplating a lot of things lately. I'm not a terribly introspective person, but I do get those moments where everything has some underlying meaning and I'm lost in the mystery of what that is. That's been my week. The topic on my mind: conviction. I know that Lord has put certain things on my heart--things I need to do, things I should abstain from, things I need to prepare for. It interests me how God gives His children different convictions. I can have strong views about something that a close friend will never share. Why is that? A lot of times it frustrates me--if the world just thought as I did, we'd all get along. Maybe God puts those people in my life to keep my feet on the ground. They remind me that I'm not as high and mighty as I'd like to think. I don't believe my convictions are wrong, and often I don't think my friend's convictions are wrong either. So what's the middle ground? Is there a middle ground? I'm a person that sees everything as black and white. Middle ground to me is a place where people lose their passion, where the Spirit is quenched. So how is it that I often don't see things as others see them, when they are Christians, too? Maybe it's because I major on the minors.

I'm still sifting through thoughts right now. I know where I stand on certain issues, and God has not given me any reason why I should be ashamed of my convictions. Now the tricky part is to find the place where I can speak the truth in love. I think that is one of the hardest commandments to follow--at least for me.