I have not blogged for a while... And I guess I really don't have a good reason. Maybe its just that I have not felt like writing. I get those times where I feel so good, so... poetic, maybe? deep? But lately I just have not felt like putting any of my life out for all to see. And its not even like my life is terribly exciting... But I guess there are just things that don't need to be said. All I can really say is that God's got some things that He wants to teach me, and that can be very personal. So, my blogs may be few and far between, but know that when I do blog, I mean it with my whole heart.

A New Day!!!

Hello! It's morning, and it's absolutely beautiful outside!!! Praise God that He give us such fresh starts.

Jesus Christ

I have been a Christian almost my whole life. I first made a concious decision to follow Jesus when I was four years old. My dad was reading me a Bible story before bed, and it was the story of Adam and Eve. What struck me was how their sin had seperated them from God. Although young, I understood the severity of being seperated from God, and I did not want that. So, I gave my life to Christ. God has been working in my heart constantly ever since.

I cannot explain this relationship I have with God. It's a longing, a feeling, a weeping of the soul that cries out... It does not exist only in my mind. I feel it in my soul. I feel a calling to put aside my foolish, human ideas, and to embrace the All Powerful.

God wants me. He suffered an excruciating death because he wants me. He doesn't need me, really. God will still be God. But He made me so that I may give Him glory. Who am I to think that I have any ownership in this relationship? Like a groom pursues his bride, God has pursued me. He has watched me suffer.... has suffered with me. My pain can not compare to God's. He knows this world does not love Him... He could just destroy it right here and now... but He has mercy.

God has put a calling on my life. And that is to tell the world that they might believe that the Lord Almighty, He is God.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgement, but has passed out of death into life." Jesus himself said these words!!!! Oh, that the world might believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the savior of our souls, that HE IS LOVE.

"I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst." He is the satisfaction of our starvation... the quenching of our thirst! But we must first believe!

"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out." There is no rejection found in Christ... only love.... but first we must come!

"If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." Freedom... knowledge... belief... all in Christ Jesus. The cost: Your life. Your physical, small life on earth. All you are. For Jesus. The author and perfector of our faith!!! Its a small price to pay to the One who created you, the One who suffered for our sins when He himself was sinless, the One that pursues becaues HE LOVES YOU. What does the life committed to God look like? It's like this: Life by faith... no fear in life, but an unquenchable hope and joy. Its love... for everyone. Love flowing from who you are. It's peace. Its complete and total freedom because you are no longer a slave to the petty issues of the world. Yes, they are there, but they no longer define who you are! Yes, the law says you're a sinner, but Christ says you are a child of God!

"But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God."

May the God of Love show you His infinate compassion... joy... peace... patience... FORGIVENESS.

The Divine Dream

This post is kind of a second look on the last one. Yes, when I had that dream, it was horrible. But I am convinced God gave me that dream to warn me of the trial to come.

God is so amazing! He speaks through dreams! There is nothing that God cannot bring himself glory through! I had thought the dream was a nightmare, but it was something more mysterious than a nightmare. It prepared me, it allowed me to feel pain before the actual thing... and I thank God that he found it right to warn me.... because he loves me.

The Despairing Dream

I am in a state of loss right now. I am saddened beyond belief, and I can't fully explain why. I guess it's just a heaviness in my heart.

Last night I had a horrible dream. What was so horrible about it was that it basically gathered all the trials I have had in the last year into one, big, horrible nightmare.

Imagine this. You have tried your best to be honest and commited to a very big, daunting task. Although the conditions surrounding it are questionable at best, your goal is to have integrity. That's all you want. To stand before God and say, "I did this for you!". All I want to hear is "Well done, good and faithful servant." Even though you think there is no possible way you can survive the situation, you stay because you gave them your word. The only way you make it is on God's strenght.

Well, then what happens if your character is struck? When someone lashes out at you, and makes people believe that you're something you're not? What happens when the simple goals you lived by are stolen right from under you? The very people you trusted hate you... and when you try to find out what you did wrong just so that you might be able to fix it, they won't tell you! They don't care enough to even let you try to right your wrong.

It is the most horrible feeling in the world. You do your best to live like Christ would, and all you get is a whole bunch of people who think you're dirt.

That was my dream. There were a few more details, but I don't really want to put them out there. The point is, it was the most horrible dream I've ever had because every time I think about it I cry. And what is so horrible is that I thought I was at peace with that particular situation. I thought things had been righted... and then this dream comes and steals my hope, my joy.

Why do I get such dreams? Why do I have to live in such sorrow? I have never been haunted by a dream like I have by this one. I felt this dream. I could have sworn it was real life. The pain was real.

What I need to do is to trust in God. Maybe there are some things I need to deal with... maybe this is just satan trying to discourage me. But I will not be swept under by letting someone else judge my worth! My worth comes from God.

Words with Conviction

Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.

"If you return, return to Me."

He who has an ear, let Him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.


These are quotes from the Holy Bible that speak to my heart. I don't know what you can take from them, but know that they are filled with CONVICTION.


"There was only one man who was completely perfect, one man who succeeded where we did not. And we nailed Him to a cross."

"Do I not deserve the ones I suffered for?"

First Love

I was recently listening to a whole composition of different sermons from very influential Christians. It was called "the Revival Hymn" and, I have to tell you, it was absolutely amazing.

There were quite a few different preachers (though I do have to apologize because I am not sure of their names), and they all spoke on revival (hence the title). There was so much I could have taken from that presentation, and when I was watching it, I felt like I was being hit in the gut.

Statement after statement after statement came at me, and all I could do was listen. There was not really time to sit and contemplate each thing that was being said, but I simply had to listen. Just listen. What I heard moved me in my soul and made me cry.

The most influential statement came from a man that had, at one point in his life, went to Africa do do missions work. He went to tell un-knowing, naive little tribespeople (as he thought them) that there was a wonderful savior that wanted to make their life so much better. Upon arriving and living with the people, he found that they weren't naive. They weren't waiting for some person to come and tell them about Jesus. They knew they were sinning, and they liked it. They indulged in their flesh, they lived for pleasure. And they did not want God.

Now, the man was in great turmoil in his soul and he wanted to leave that place. He wanted to let the people live in their sin because they wanted nothing to do with God. He thought, "Let them live in their sin! They don't want to clean up their lives, so why should I make them?" That's when God got a hold of him.

What He said sounded something like this, "Do I not deserve the ones I suffered for?"

"But, God, they don't want anything to do with you! They like their sin. They want to live in it. They don't deserve to go to heaven."

"Do I not deserve the ones I suffered for?"

"God, I cannot speak to these people when they refuse to hear me."

"DO I NOT DESERVE THE ONES I SUFFERED FOR!?"

Silence.

"I died an agonizing death! I went down to depths of hell! I defeated death! I rose to life. I paid for those African souls with my flesh, my blood, my life, and you won't speak to them because they won't hear. What does this have to do with them wanting me? What does this have to do with you? Do not I DESERVE the ones I suffered for?"

"Yes, Lord."

"Go."

It may have not gone like that. It may have not even been a conversation. But what I know is that God set something straight in that preacher. Do I not deserve the ones I suffered for. Have you ever thought of missions that way? Have you ever thought that you're not going there for the Africans. You're not going there because you have any power. You're going there for Him. Christ paid for the lost with his blood. They did not ask Him to do it. He did it because HE loved them... because HE wanted them.

We love Him because He first loved us.

Ethics, Morality, and Human Rights

I think that one of the most frustrating topics nowadays is that of ethics and morals. Think about it. What does "ethics" mean? Well, it's living according to what one knows to be true. I guess it seems simple enough when you put it in those terms, but really, it's more complex.

Just think about the stupidity of debating ethics in today's world. Ok. Let's see... everyone has at least some concept of what right is and what wrong is, but not necessarily what actions are right or wrong. So, we sit down and talk about what it means to live according to your morals, but that's as far as anyone can get.

I've seen this first hand in my World Issues class. We did a unit on ethics, and I think it was a complete waste of time. We talked about the meaning, and then we were given some hypothetical situations to discern what we would do in. They were mostly like this-- "Your friend steals a 50 cent comb. What do you do?" Most of the people in my class said that they would just leave it because they valued their friendship more. The teacher replied to this by saying, "So, in some small way, you're saying stealing is right." This got almost everyone a little flustered, but we moved on. It soon moved to bigger, more expensive items, and pretty soon almost everyone was saying they would do something. But then the teacher reminded them that they had said it was ok to steal the comb. Now, this could be a really good thought-provoking conversation that could aid people in making decisions, but after it was all said and done, the teacher just stood up there and shrugged his shoulders as if to say "who knows what's right?"

This was so disheartening to me! No one feels like they can speak about right or wrong because they are afraid they'll infringe on someone's rights!!! We are a spineless people. We are content to sit back and enjoy life and let everyone else enjoy life, even if their form of "enjoyment" goes against everything that has been taught in the past.

Basically, my point about this whole thing is that ethics without a foundation is pointless. You see, people feel convictions, they feel like something isn't right, but they have nothing to base it on. They only have their feelings, and feelings never find a place in a court (unless they somehow could add that to the Constitution! and that would be scary). I guess what I'm kind of thinking here is that there is no truth outside of God. Leave God out of the equation, and the only thing you can ever be convicted about is your own emotions. THUS THERE IS NO STABILITY. I get so angry when I hear someone say "well, that's right for you, and this is right for me." NO!!! How can you label anything "right" if right and wrong is left up to the individual?!?

What our world needs is to let go of our silly need for comfort, our silly need to keep our little worlds in our little bubbles. The truth is, sooner or later, that bubble will burst. And then what will we have to say for ourselves??!?

Would You?

Here is a poem that I wrote about a year ago. It is a poem of questioning, but not necessarily of doubt. I hope it means something to you, and maybe you'll even be able to enlighten me on what it means. Enjoy!

Would You

If these hands could paint a picture...
Would you look at it?
If these eyes could shut out the world...
Would you see them?
If these feet could run for miles...
Would you wait?
If this voice could sing a love song...
Would you hear it?
If this heart was bruised and wounded...
Would you heal it?
If these ears could hear the alarm...
Would you sound it?
If this mouth could speak your words...
Would you grant them?
If these knees wouldn’t bend before you
Would you break them?
If this mind could not remember...
Would you remind it?
If this soul was dry and thirsty...
Would you water it?
If this life was empty and wasted...
Would you fill it?

A Savior's Love

There is something so precious, so mysterious about the love of Christ. Something that goes beyond the areas of understanding, calls to a part much deeper than the soul. It consumes, protects, and wipes all notions of doubt from our little minds. It's greater than faith, greater than hope. And still I hear it calling... deeper... deeper. Come to me. Find peace. Find rest for your soul. Come to me...

Those words may forever ring in my head, an endless cycle that never becomes old. It's always fresh, always a mystery. How can I know this love? How can I rest at ease if I have not explored every corner, every fold of this Majesty?

It's a journey that my flesh does not want to take. After all, I'm human, and what human can let a mystery lie unsolved? You see it in our world. TV shows of investigation, conclusion, justice. Scientists making leaps and bounds in yet another unexplored aspect of life. Information chanels, biographies, the news. We need to know. And I think that knowledge is our downfall.

But this isn't about us. This can never be about us. Love is about Christ. Love is Christ. And, this mystery, beautiful and foreign, is one that will never be solved until we bow before the throne of Christ. Until that day, I will seek to know more of this mystery as Christ has sought for me.

The Grad Soap Opera

Well, this is my first attempt at blogging, and I don't know how else to start other than to just start talking about my life. So, without further delaying, here I go...

It's already the end of February, and I'm starting to sense an intense case of Grad fever coming across my school. My friend Joey is in pursuit of his perfect grad escort, and my best friend Kristy is going shopping on saturday to find the perfect dress to wear with her boyfriend.

Although I understand the excitement that comes with finishing school, I haven't felt much of this fever myself as I am fairly new to the school. Yes, I have a lot of friends at MCI, but it seems that Grad is specially reserved for those that have gone to school together for many years. So, not complaining, I'm content to enjoy the Grad from the sidelines, not actually participating, but appreciating it nonetheless.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that Kristy's brother was thinking of asking me to his grad as his escort. I've always appreciated Derek and his quiet demenor (which is in stark contrast to Kristy's character) and was absolutely shocked (and a little flattered) to hear this.
And so I anxiously awaited Derek's little question...

We had youth tonight, and it was a really fun time. Derek and Kristy were there, and somehow I didn't actually think I would be asked "the question" in the near future. But just as everyone was getting their coats on and warming up their cars, he asked me. "Do you want to go to prom with me?"

Those are very special words. I can honestly say that you can imagine them a thousand times, but they never seem the same as when they are actually said. And I, of course, said yes right away.

Now that could be a nice little story with nice little feelings, but the punch line is coming up. After I had said yes, Derek said, "It's okay because I have other options." Isn't that hysterical? Coming from anyone else, I might be offended. But I know that Derek is really shy and he would never mean to offend. I think he just said that so he knew I wasn't pressured into anything. But it's still funny :) .

Now, there's something that should be understood here. I do currently have a boyfriend, but my anticipation is not to be confused with a silly crush. I'm just going as a friend with Derek, nothing more.

When I think about it, it is so exciting. My best friend is going to grad with her boyfriend, and I am going with her brother. In some ways, grad is a soap opera!