I mentioned to Joey a couple days ago that life has started to feel like a never-ending, blind roller coaster. What I know is that my course is set, that Someone has orchestrated the whole thing. What I don't know is when the path will be straight and simple, and when it will suddenly drop into a fall or send me for a loop. One of the best things I can do is to keep my eyes on Jesus the whole time - thankfully, in the middle of an unknown darkness, He is as bright as day.
This winter has felt really, really long. I have heard elderly people say they have not seen this much snow since the 1940s. A quick glance out my window reveals that, yes, it is in fact snowing again. Just this last week we received our biggest dump of the season. The following day was incredibly bright and cheery - but so cold. We did what we could to enjoy the sun while playing indoors.
I am not sure if my weariness of the season is affecting me, but it also seems like this pregnancy has lasted far longer than it should. Really, there are several factors working against me: my due date was moved 10 days later, a good friend whom I was enjoying this wonderful stage of life with has been able to snuggle her newborn for a full two weeks already, I am carrying ALL out front and feel HUGE, and my hips/tailbone/pelvic bones/sciatic nerve are conspiring against me by making me almost immobile by 7:00 PM. I am praying for patience and for this baby to be fully formed and healthy when she decides to come out. I may or may not request that she comes a bit closer to the 38 week mark. Is this just setting me up for disappointment? Who knows. I can hope for the best.
One of my goals in these last few weeks before our family will, no doubt, change entirely is to get to know my no-longer-a-toddling-son, Judah. He is changing faster than I would like to admit. I have been trying very hard to explain this whole "new baby" thing to him. I tell him that babies need to spend lots of time with their mommies and daddies. I tell him that the only way they can communicate is to cry. I tell him that having a new sister might mean that his sleep will be disrupted and he'll have to be quieter than he wants to be. Upon hearing all of these bizarre things, he promptly climbed up into my lap, where he proceeded to spend a full 30 minutes snuggling and pretending to be a baby. Oh, my heart.
How quickly he went from an eight pound little nursling to a 40 pound three-year-old!
It is quite possible that spending a few days organizing all of his newborn pictures into a photo book has reinforced this line of thought. I just cannot deal with these emotions!
Teaching these boys to play with and love each other is an ongoing battle. It has become really important that we have two of everything. Judah's at the age where his little imagination has made him extremely attached to certain toys. Benjamin is at the age where he wants everything and is NOT okay when things get taken away. He is also blissfully ignorant of what it actually means to "share". Love is a word often repeated here. The best way to teach it is by example, and that can be a hard thing to model when the house is full of shrieking cries of injustice!
Then, for a moment, we are able to give up our own desires and cooperate. I am always hopeful that they will see how blissful it can be, and then endeavour to keep it that way at all times. It's a nice notion, but I think I will be playing referee for quite a few more years to come.
Sometimes you just need to lure your brother into hiding in a box, then sit on the lid. You know?
As difficult as these early years can be, I need to stop wishing that they would be something different. One day I will get up in the morning and usher teenagers out my front door. I just know that I will look back to the uncomfortable beginnings of this family and wish that I could please, please, play referee to exuberant toddler shenanigans. I will long for the days when my babies would fall asleep on my lap during church. I'm so afraid that I will blink and all of it will have changed. I'll be an empty nester, the house will be silent and clean, and my children will look like this:
(According to Joey, this is Judah and Benjamin in 20 year's time. Such heartthrobs!)
No, I think I shall try to be quite content right where I am.
I am finally feeling content with where I am in this pregnancy. I've been battling a lot of fear and doubt and pride over the last seven months. I saw my doctor on Tuesday, and she confirmed that everything is just as it should be. Baby is happy and mommy is healthy. My mom encouraged me this week by reminding me that my weight is not what determines my beauty. Yes, I am a vain creature. I constantly need humbling in this area and it seems that lessons such as these need to be repeated daily. 
