The Despairing Dream

I am in a state of loss right now. I am saddened beyond belief, and I can't fully explain why. I guess it's just a heaviness in my heart.

Last night I had a horrible dream. What was so horrible about it was that it basically gathered all the trials I have had in the last year into one, big, horrible nightmare.

Imagine this. You have tried your best to be honest and commited to a very big, daunting task. Although the conditions surrounding it are questionable at best, your goal is to have integrity. That's all you want. To stand before God and say, "I did this for you!". All I want to hear is "Well done, good and faithful servant." Even though you think there is no possible way you can survive the situation, you stay because you gave them your word. The only way you make it is on God's strenght.

Well, then what happens if your character is struck? When someone lashes out at you, and makes people believe that you're something you're not? What happens when the simple goals you lived by are stolen right from under you? The very people you trusted hate you... and when you try to find out what you did wrong just so that you might be able to fix it, they won't tell you! They don't care enough to even let you try to right your wrong.

It is the most horrible feeling in the world. You do your best to live like Christ would, and all you get is a whole bunch of people who think you're dirt.

That was my dream. There were a few more details, but I don't really want to put them out there. The point is, it was the most horrible dream I've ever had because every time I think about it I cry. And what is so horrible is that I thought I was at peace with that particular situation. I thought things had been righted... and then this dream comes and steals my hope, my joy.

Why do I get such dreams? Why do I have to live in such sorrow? I have never been haunted by a dream like I have by this one. I felt this dream. I could have sworn it was real life. The pain was real.

What I need to do is to trust in God. Maybe there are some things I need to deal with... maybe this is just satan trying to discourage me. But I will not be swept under by letting someone else judge my worth! My worth comes from God.