where He leads

We were a newly-wed, deeply in love couple just starting out our life together.  Prior to marriage, the most time we had spent together (I'm talking about consecutive days) was about one week.  I hung on to each moment I had with my fiancé jealously and dreamed about the next.  When the day finally came and we were actually man and wife, the best thing of all was being able to spend as much time together as we could ever want.  What we had fought so hard for was finally ours in abundance. 

Life now revolved around us.  Completely.  For the beginning, we were okay with that.  After all, we were newly weds!  We had big things to get a start on, such as setting up our own home, getting comfortable in a new ministry position, and just plain living together. The last thing on our agenda was starting our family.

Ideally, we would wait two or three years before having a baby.  Why waste the last of our youthfulness?  Plus, everyone always seems to say "you'll never be just the two of you after you have a baby, so might as well make it last as long as possible".  Happily, we agreed.

God had different plans for us.

It was only three months into our marriage when we started to wonder about our "plans".  We started to wonder why a feeling of guilt always seemed to follow every instance of "I hope I'm not pregnant!"  We wondered if trusting in our methods of birth-control was revealing a lack of faith in God.  We wondered... and prayed. 

"What would you do if I was actually pregnant?" I would ask my husband.  He never quite knew how to answer that question.  "It would be tough, I suppose, but I know that it would be good" was generally the response he gave.  I would agree, but, silently, I would continue pondering if that was what God wanted for us at this time. 

I never really communicated my thoughts to my husband on this matter, except periodically in the aforementioned question.  The matter was always on my mind, though.  Reluctantly, I started to talk to God about it.  I knew that He would be able to make sense of my confusion.  That's where I left it.

In the spring of last year, the two of us took a little road trip to visit my parents in Saskatchewan.  Throughout the whole trip the issue was laid on my heart.  I couldn't help but allude to the grandchildren my parents would have some day in the future.  I'm pretty sure they had a feeling that something big was about to happen.  Funny, I had that feeling, too.

On our way home, Joey and I got into the topic (for the billionth time).  To my surprise, I found that he had been thinking about it as much as I had in the preceding days.  All of a sudden, we both realized that we had been living without faith that God would start our family in His time.  The Lord completely convicted us, and we felt challenged to do something about our lack of faith.

It was only about two weeks later that we knew I was pregnant.

I am so grateful that God intervened and reminded us that He is sovereign.  I would much rather willingly embrace what God has for me than go, "well, this didn't turn out right".  My Father is good.  I need to rest in His goodness.